|
|
Harry Potter and the Stone of Your Choice: Breadbox Edition(Author's Note: Harry Potter in no way, shape or form belongs to me. It belongs to J.K. Rowling, Bloomsbury Publishing and all associates and Warner Bros. films. Dr. Evadne's warning: Please remember to take a grain of salt before reading. Do not expose to direct sunlight. May impair your ability to drive or operate heavy machinery. Anyone who fails to abide by the warning is responsible for their own indignation.) FADE IN: EXT. YUPPIEVILLE – THE PAST DUMBLEDORE shows up on the streets of a neighborhood where they rope off their lawns, as if that’s going to keep people off. Let me put out the street lamps with my PEZ dispenser. Ah, Prof. McGonagall… PROF. MCGONAGALL Wait, I’m still a cat, dang it. POOF! She’s human. The SPECIAL EFFECTS TEAM rejoices at their cleverness. Now I will say some things that seem to provide background without meaning anything. AUDIENCE That’s okay. We already know the story. HAGRID flies out of the sky on SIRIUS BLACK’S MOTORCYCLE, but no one mentions that. I’m exactly as you imagined me. DUMBLEDORE I’m so glad you brought Harry, Hagrid. Now, try to stay awake while I say some meaningful things. HAGRID AND MCGONAGALL Yes, you must be established as wise, if rather dull. EXT. YUPPIEVILLE – THE PRESENT The neighborhood is EXACTLY THE SAME. My life is hell. DUDLEY DURSLEY My name is annoying alliteration. I’m pretty annoying too. MR. AND MRS. DURSLEY Grr…We hate you so much it’s amazing a Child Services representative hasn’t taken you away yet. HARRY But I bear up like a saint. MR. DURSLEY If you do anything weird, I’ll skewer you with my tiny key. INT. THE ZOO God, I’m annoying. AUDIENCE Don’t taunt the CGI snake. HARRY Hey, I can talk with the CGI snake! CGI SNAKE Yeah, well. You won’t be so thrilled about it in a year or so. HARRY accidentally does something that leaves DUDLEY in a HUMOROUS, if SOMEWHAT CRUEL, situation. I look like I’m going to sit on Harry. EXT. YUPPIEVILLE – SOME TIME LATER HARRY gets a LETTER. THE DURSLEYS panic and steal it. Idiots. It’s easier to hide that one person is a wizard than to hide that a bazillion owls are leaving letters at your house. Eventually, HUNDREDS OF LETTERS fly around and smack into people. Miraculously, no one gets a PAPER CUT. HARRY tries to run off with a letter. No, dork! Grab several! He can take one away easily! MR. DURSLEY loses it and takes EVERYONE to a CGI HOUSE on a CGI ROCK in the middle of a CGI SEA. INT. CGI HOUSE ON A CGI ROCK IN A CGI SEA Mmm…dirt birthday cake. I wish for large, hairy man to knock the door down. HAGRID knocks the door down. Ahh! Who are you? HAGRID You’re a wizard, Harry. HARRY That’s nice, but it didn’t really answer my question. MR. DURSLEY No, you can’t take him! HAGRID Too bad. C’mon, Harry. HARRY Um, did we skip some lines? EXT. DIAGON ALLEY Ack! It’s Harry Potter! HARRY Um…Hi? PROF. QUIRRELL I am not at all suspicious. HAGRID opens the door to DIAGON ALLEY. AUDIENCE watches very closely so they can find the DELETED SCENES later. Let’s visit the structurally unsound bank and get your money. WILLOW THE BANKTELLER Grr…I am unnecessarily unpleasant. HARRY discovers he owns a large pile of CHOCOLATE PIRATE COINS. HAGRID picks up a package. This is not at all important to the plot. HARRY goes to get his WAND. I’m probably the second creepiest person in this movie, and I’m in it for all of two minutes. HARRY blows stuff up with various WANDS until he finds a WAND that doesn’t blow stuff up. Curious, curious… HARRY I know I’m going to regret asking, but…what’s curious? OLLIVANDER It’s just that…your wand made the theme music play. I’ve only seen one other wand do that. And it belonged to…You-Know-Who. HARRY Actually, I don’t yet. HAGRID buys HARRY HEDWIG THE OWL, who doesn’t get her poor name said in the actual movie. Hagrid, who killed my parents? HAGRID Hold on, let me cue up the unnecessary flashback. AUDIENCE Mere exposition cannot hold my attention! Look, there’s a Junior Mint on the floor! HAGRID Here’s your ticket, Harry. We’ve compressed time and changed the date of your birthday. Or you start school in July, your choice. Either way, you’re on your own. HARRY Okay, now I’m lost. Thankfully for the movie, HARRY runs into the WEASLEYS, who help him find his train. We are not in this movie nearly enough. INT. THE TRAIN Hi, I’m the first person you’ve met so, obviously, I’m going to be your best friend. HARRY Wow! Bizarrely unappetizing wizard candy! And it comes with a cheesy hologram! CHEESY DUMBLEDORE HOLOGRAM To think I was once an important plot element. HERMIONE GRANGER Hi, I’m your prerequisite female friend. RON You’re not supposed to be our friend yet. Why is your hair crimped only in the back? HERMIONE It will all be crimped by the end of the movie. HARRY That’s okay. My eyes change color constantly. RON Wicked! AUDIENCE flinches. EXT. HOGWARTS Harry! Glad you got here despite the fact I abandoned you at the train station! DRACO MALFOY Finally, I’m in the movie. Take my hand and you’ll become evil. HARRY Uh…no, thank you. AUDIENCE Oooh! Denied! MCGONAGALL All right, everyone. When I call you, in no particular order, come up and have the vaguely threatening Sorting Hat decide your destiny. AUDIENCE What!? Why isn’t it in alphabetical order? DIRECTOR CHRIS COLUMBUS Hey, it’s either this or a twenty-minute Sorting scene. And I wouldn’t keep the entire Snape’s Class scene, so I’m definitely not doing that. SORTING HAT Ahh…let me announce the slightly damning contents of Harry’s head to the entire school. Gryffindor! GHOSTS show up. Ay, me maties. We’ll catch Peter Pan for sure this time. PROF. SNAPE looks at HARRY as if he’s never seen him before. Which he hasn’t. INT. A RATHER WELL-LIT DUNGEON All you stupid children need to know is that I’m 602 years old. And I should never be underlit. THREE PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE WHO HAVEN’T READ THE BOOK He must be the bad guy. REST OF AUDIENCE Oh? THREE PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE WHO HAVEN’T READ THE BOOK Well, it’s Alan Rickman. SNAPE looks at HARRY as if he’s never seen him before. I need to have a confrontation with Harry, but since Chris cut out the part where Harry sasses me, I come off looking like I hate him for no good reason. HARRY Actually, you never really act as if you hate me. It’s more like vague concern. AUDIENCE I’d just like to point out that putting a stopper in death isn’t that difficult. It’s called “poison.” EXT. HOGWART’S GROUNDS My helmet-hair has made me irritating and generally unlikable. NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM I’m comic relief! Can’t you tell by my life threatening antics and painful injury? DRACO Ha! I laugh at your pain! HARRY That’s not very nice. DRACO Grr! I hate you for not shaking my hand! DRACO throws a BALL at HARRY, who catches it just outside of MCGONAGALL’S OFFICE, which is really bad timing, as she never appears to use that office EVER AGAIN. Well, I think we can overlook bad behavior when athletics are on the line. QUIRRELL Remember, students: if you’re ever faced with a vampire bat, an iguana will save your life. OLIVER WOOD I’m going to teach Harry to play Quidditch. Let me thrash around like a moron on the ground. FEMALE AUDIENCE OVER THE AGE OF 16 Finally, a hot guy. EXT. HOGWARTS GROUNDS AUDIENCE notices that HOGWARTS appears to have a high TEACHER TO STUDENT RATIO. Hey, Harry and Ron! Let me show you a Quidditch award Harry’s father won. So, no pressure, Harry. DIRECTOR CHRIS COLUMBUS Please note the clever “M. McGonagall” on the award, too. And the Riddle award. RON Wicked! AUDIENCE Argh. RON (cont.) Hey, why do you hang around with us so much, Hermione? A STAIRCASE is bribed by DIRECTOR CHRIS COLUMBUS to deposit HARRY AND CO. some place they’re not supposed to be. Check out my sinister decorations. They must use this floor to hide important items every year. FLUFFY WOOF! HARRY ET AL. run from the THREE-HEADED DOG. Wouldn’t you? Humph! If you two do things like that, I won’t be your friend anymore. AUDIENCE But you’re not their friend! INT. WILLOW THE PROFESSOR’S CLASS SEAMUS blows something up and makes half the AUDIENCE think he’s NEVILLE. HERMIONE shows off. Is she in earshot? Good. I CAN’T STAND HER! HERMIONE gets UPSET. INT. HALLOWEEN There’s a troll in the dungeon! I wonder how it got there. I am certainly not responsible, for I am a comic character. Watch me faint! SNAPE In anticipation of the attack, I’m going to limp out of the room. HARRY Ron, your cruelty to Hermione has put her in imminent danger. We have to rescue her. RON Oh, all right. A TROLL menaces HERMIONE. Argh, Lord of the Rings flashbacks! HARRY and RON dispose of the TROLL in classic SLAPSTICK fashion. Well, look who finally got a spell right. RON Nothing has really changed. But I guess we can be slightly less mean to you. MCGONAGALL gives HARRY and RON FIVE FREAKIN’ POINTS each for knocking out the TROLL. FIVE! SNAPE looks at HARRY as if he’s never seen him before. Now, how are we going to get this troll out of the girls’ bathroom? INT. BREAKFAST SEAMUS blows something else up and makes the other half of the AUDIENCE think he’s NEVILLE. C’mon Harry. You have to eat before the big CGI orgy that is Quidditch. HEDWIG drops an OBVIOUSLY BROOMSTICK SHAPED package in front of HARRY. Wow, what do you think it is? AUDIENCE So, he’s getting his broom ten minutes before his first match? SNAPE I’m creepy, in case you’ve forgotten. SNAPE looks at HARRY as if he’s never seen him before. Then, he LIMPS off. I bet he went to see that three-headed dog. HERMIONE Why do you think that? HARRY I’m not too sure. It’s probably because his cape flies out behind him when he walks. EXT. QUIDDITCH Wow, this is some of the best CGI I’ve ever seen. GEORGE LUCAS feels threatened and makes a movie entirely out of CGI. Perhaps you’ve seen it. HARRY, OLIVER, FRED AND/OR GEORGE and several UNNAMED FEMALE CHARACTERS WHOSE NAMES I KNOW ANYWAY throw balls around with the SLYTHERIN TEAM, which has the UGLIEST PEOPLE on the planet. People get beat up pretty bad. Apparently, I never call fouls. By the way, doesn’t my costume rock? HARRY’S BROOM You know what? Screw you, Potter. HARRY’S BROOM tries to kill him. Actually, Snape is trying to kill him. Don’t you see him talking to himself over there? I hope Harry can survive the five minutes it will take me to get over there. HERMIONE sets her teacher on fire and NO ONE NOTICES. HARRY is SAVED just in time to put himself in the MOST PRECARIOUS PLACE POSSIBLE to catch the snitch. Watch me comically vomit up the snitch. But, Gryffindor wins, so that’s all that matters. INT. A CHRISTMASY HOGWARTS Remember to look for that thing Hagrid wasn’t supposed to tell us about. HARRY Nicolas Flamel. I know I’ve heard it before. AUDIENCE You might’ve if you’d read the back of the cheesy Dumbledore hologram on the train. RON Shush! I’m playing chess. It’s wicked. AUDIENCE Wow, it must be expensive to play wizard’s chess. And stop saying that! HARRY gets an UGLY INVISIBILITY CLOAK. Ugh. No wonder they make it so you don’t see it. HARRY decides to sneak around at night with his UGLY INVISIBILITY CLOAK. Hmm…the library. That ought to be nice and safe… BOOK LET ME OUT OF HERE! MADAM PINCE IS A LITTLE FASCIST! HARRY has to RUNS from FILCH…right into QUIRRELL and SNAPE. Aw, crap. SNAPE barely reaches out and conveniently misses HARRY. Huh. Now, give me your lunch money. HARRY runs into a room with a MIRROR that shows him HIS DEAD PARENTS. Wow, he’s taking this rather well. I’d be freaking out by now. HARRY Mum! Dad…I don’t really look like you, do I? HARRY becomes OBSESSED because he doesn’t much resemble his dad. Why, Dad, why? DUMBLEDORE Harry, it’s not that important. Really. HARRY moves on with his life. EXT. HAGRID’S QUAINT LITTLE HOUSE Hi, I’m not up to anything. HERMIONE We never said… HAGRID Ah, you got me! Look a baby dragon! AUDIENCE It’s in five seconds of the movie and it got a toy. Cute, though. HARRY Hagrid told me he’s always wanted a dragon. AUDIENCE No, he didn’t. DIRECTOR CHRIS COLUMBUS Probably should have edited that too, huh? DRACO How did I know where they were? Slytherin is in the dungeon. Did I look out a window? WHAM! MCGONAGALL busts EVERYONE. You three will be punished because you were out late. And you, Draco, will be punished for being a jagoff. EXT. FOREST WITH NO UNDERGROWTH We’re looking for a unicorn. You’ll know it because it’s shiny and idealized. I’m perfectly okay with splitting up the eleven-year-olds. HARRY AND DRACO find the UNICORN, which looks like a BIG, DUMB HORSE WITH A HORN TAPED TO ITS HEAD. Aw, the poor thing is suffering from Legend syndrome. Oh, and they find a SCARY BLACK THING. That moves kind of STUPIDLY toward HARRY. Help! Some REALLY BAD CGI saves HARRY. Ewwww…I think Columbus blew his effects budget on the Quidditch scene. REALLY BAD CGI Boy am I unconvincing. Almost as unconvincing as Voldemort there. HARRY That’s Voldemort? That cloak? INT. GRYFFINDOR COMMON ROOM Time to save the world for the first time. HERMIONE Why do I switch from “You-Know-Who” to “Voldemort” mid-scene? EXT. HOGWARTS Just wanted to remind you… SNAPE looks at HARRY as if he’s never seen him before. …that I’m really creepy. EXT. HAGRID’S QUAINT LITTLE HOUSE Hagrid, stop playing the theme music for a minute. Seeing as you’re always telling us things you shouldn’t, is it possible that you’ve spilled any important secrets to anyone else? HAGRID Oh, probably. HARRY Want to tell us too, so we can even the playing field a bit? HAGRID Sure. NEVILLE Everyone thinks Seamus is me! I must prove there’s a difference! NEVILLE fails to accomplish ANYTHING. INT. GETTING TO THE STONE OF YOUR CHOICE I feel like we should be feeding Fluffy a honey cake. RON Good thing this harp is still here. Hagrid never did give Harry that flute. HARP stops. SOMETHING DISGUSTING lands on RON. Oh, ew! Why is it always me? FLUFFY WOOF! HARRY AND CO. jump into a TRAP DOOR and land on the VENUS FLYTRAP FROM HELL. If you relax, the Devil’s Snare will let you go. AUDIENCE I’m sure I’d be able to relax if a big-ass plant was hugging me to death. HERMIONE makes the SUN come out of her WAND to save RON, who just can’t relax, for some reason. HARRY AND HIS HAPPY BUDDIES find a room full of flying keys. There’s one with a broken wing. AUDIENCE How did he see that? They all look the same to me. HARRY hops on a BROOM to catch BROKEN KEY. Suddenly, DIRECTOR CHRIS COLUMBUS starts to channel ALFRED HITCHCOCK and the KEYS start attacking HARRY. Pfft. Like a bunch of keys is a problem. RON Now that we’ve got Hermione and your specialties out of the way, let’s do mine. CUE GIANT CHESSBOARD Why do those giant pieces look about a hundred years old? The board’s only been there since the beginning of the year,plus it must’ve been cleared when Quirrell played through. HARRY Wait, who did you just say played through? AUDIENCE Uh…never mind. RON plays them across the BOARD. AUDIENCE tries to follow along, but gets confused by that FREAKIN’ LETTER-NUMBER SYSTEM CHESS USES. Where’s my chessboard? CHESS PIECES blow up. Oh no! I have to sacrifice myself to the queen! I’m brilliant at chess, but there’s no way I could have seen this coming more than a move beforehand! QUEEN lays the smackdown on RON…’S HORSE. Wic…ked. AUDIENCE Huh. That seemed slightly less violent than the other attacks. HARRY checks the USELESS KING. Hermione, take Ron and get help. HERMIONE How, genius? He’s unconscious and there’s only one broom anyway. Plus attacking keys and Fluffy. HARRY I’m going to take on Snape. HARRY goes to the room with the MIRROR THAT SHOWED HIM HIS DEAD PARENTS. In front of it is… Quirrell! But you were so not suspicious! QUIRRELL I know. Ain’t I a stinker? Now come here and find the stone. I’m evil, so I can’t. HARRY’S REFLECTION sticks a STONE that could stand to be put in a ROCK TUMBLER in HARRY'S POCKET. Think fast, Harry…I don’t see it. QUIRRELL Drat, foiled again. VOLDEMORT Quirrell, you idiot, let me out. I can’t breathe in here. QUIRRELL takes off his TURBAN to reveal VOLDEMORT on the back of his head. It’s REALLY FREAKY. Ah…Harry Potter. I was hoping you… Quirrell, could you turn around so I could actually look at the boy, please? HARRY’S PARENTS appear in the MIRROR. They look like they’re going to a FUNERAL. So, Harry. Why not try evil? HARRY As I’ve already made clear…NO. VOLDEMORT Well, that didn’t work. Quirrell, kill him. QUIRRELL tries to grab HARRY, but his hands turn to STONE. What’s going on?! Though, I don’t know why I’m so surprised as I went out of my way in Diagon Alley not to shake Harry’s hand! AUDIENCE So, just his hands have this power? HARRY turns QUIRRELL to STONE, but forgets that just because you’ve killed a wizard, doesn’t mean you’ve killed a wizard. HARRY passes out from the PURE FORCE OF EVIL that passes through him. I’ll get you, my pretty! And your little unnamed owl too! INT. HOSPITAL WING Wow, I’ve never been here before. AUDIENCE Don’t worry, you’ll see plenty of it. DUMBLEDORE Hi, Harry. Glad you’re awake. Quirrell’s dead, Voldemort’s weak and the stone’s destroyed. Happy endings all around. DUMBLEDORE’S belated attempt at humor falls FLAT. INT. GREAT HALL And Slytherin wins the House Cup. SLYTHERIN HOUSE Whoo-hoo! SNAPE Must…concentrate…on…clapping. DUMBLEDORE Buuuuut…I’m going to give just enough points to Hermione, Ron, Harry and, believe it or not, Neville, to make Gryffindor beat Slytherin. GRYFFINDOR HOUSE WHOO-HOO! HARRY See everyone next year! I’m sure things will be much calmer by then. AUDIENCE Suuuuure. SNAPE looks at HARRY as if he’s never seen him before. Couple of extra notes now: 1) So what was that look Snape gave Harry in the hallway? It was either a "Ah! Where did you come from?" or "Did I leave a bundt cake in the oven?" 2) Big, big, big, huge, gigantic thanks to Marty. She went to see this with me when it first came out, watched it on video with me when I decided to write this, and gave really great suggestions for jokes. Thanks, Marty! 3) Okay, I really want to explain one of the lines in this BBE, because a lot of people remark on it, and I want my position clear. Here's the line: AUDIENCE I’d just like to point out that putting a stopper in death isn’t that difficult. It’s called “poison.” Now, here's Snape's line (from the book) that this refers to: ...I can teach you how to bottle fame, brew glory, even stopper death... A lot of people claim that "stopper death" means "stop death" or "put a stop to death." I argue, no. A stopper is a piece of cork or rubber put in the mouth of a flask or phial to close it. Something a Potions Master would need fairly frequently. And since the previous two things Snape lists are potions related metaphors, "bottle" and "brew", I'm going to assume Snape mean "stopper" in the cork closer way. I think part of the confusion is that "stopper" is usually a noun, not a verb. But, I still argue that death is not difficult to create and put in a bottle closed with a stopper. Poison, Snape! It's poison! Sorry, I just really needed to say my piece. By Evadne
|
