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Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets: Breadbox EditionFADE IN: EXT. SUBURBAN SPRAWL CONQUERS THE WORLD Sorry I didn’t name you in the last movie, Hedwig. HEDWIG Damn straight. HARRY I have blue eyes now. You’re all just going to have to deal with it. RABID HARRY POTTER FANS Argh! Desecration! MR. DURSLEY Harry, get down here so we can heap abuse on you. MRS. DURSLEY Because we’re still bastards. DUDLEY DURSLEY And even uglier, if that’s at all possible. HARRY That’s all right. I still have my preternatural patience. MR. DURSLEY If you ruin my party, I’ll hang, draw and quarter you, and leave you for the wolves. INT. HARRY’S RED AND GOLD ROOM Harry Potter must trust Dobby. HARRY looks in DOBBY’S general direction. Why? You’re a poorly dressed CGI who speaks in the third person and gives no evidence whatsoever to back up your claims. DOBBY Harry Potter must trust Dobby or the house-elf gets it, sir! DOBBY beats the CRAP out of himself. That’s just our 40 lb cat. DOBBY I bet Harry Potter is wondering where Dobby was keeping these cards? And why they are all the same size and shape? HARRY Not really, no. DOBBY Harry Potter must trust Dobby or Dobby will drop the magic floating truffle. HARRY I’ll just sneak out and grab it. I’m sure it won’t look like it’s my fault should something happen. MRS. MASON Oh, a truffle has dropped on my head. How surprising. MINISTRY OF MAGIC Huh, magic has been performed at Harry Potter’s house. Eh, who cares? EXT. SUBURBAN SPRAWL CONQUERS THE WORLD We will never let you out of your room again. No one will ever notice you’re gone. It’s not like they have magic to help find you or anything. HARRY makes a wish on a SHOOTING CAR. Hey, Harry. We’re here to save you. AUDIENCE My, Ron’s voice has gotten deep over the summer. HARRY We? FRED AND/OR GEORGE Yeah, we’re actually in some of this movie. RON, FRED AND/OR GEORGE pull the bars off HARRY’S window. NO ONE notices but the DURSLEYS. EXT. THE BURROW, EVEN IF IT ISN’T EXPLICITLY CALLED THAT HARRY stands around amazed at the MAGIC at RON’S HOUSE, even though he’s already spent a year at HOGWARTS. I’m Harry’s mother imago. I’m so angry, yet so caring at the same time. Everyone eat! MR. WEASLEY I’m Harry’s father imago. I’m humorous and loving. GINNY WEASLEY My further character development means nothing to the plot. Nothing! PERCY WEASLEY Hey, where’d I come from? ERROL THE OWL provides some PHYSICAL COMEDY. Dumbledore knows you’re here, Harry. He’s on top of everything. HARRY If he’s on top of everything, why’d he let the house-elf get me in trouble in the first place? FRED AND/OR GEORGE Wow, look at all these expensive books. We won’t be able to afford them because we’re poor and dress like we’ve escaped from the set of The Borrowers. MRS. WEASLEY Well, there’s only one place to buy all this… AUDIENCE Sears? MRS. WEASLEY Diagon Alley. AUDIENCE Well, sure, if you want to do it the easy way. MRS. WEASLEY We’ll just take the Floo Litter. RON It’s real easy. Watch. RON bursts into flames. Oh, yes. That was real comforting. HARRY unavoidably SCREWS IT UP. INT. AN OBVIOUSLY EVIL SHOP HARRY’S GLASSES break. Since when have I had glass in my glasses? Everything here is so obviously evil. I think I’ll poke around. HARRY touches a WITHERED HAND. It grabs him. Ah! I’m so surprised! AUDIENCE What did you think was going to happen?! At least the Malfoys will be showing up any moment now… HARRY leaves the OBVIOUSLY EVIL SHOP and enters the OBVIOUSLY EVIL STREET. Hey! OBVIOUSLY EVIL PEOPLE Hey, Harry. Let us molest you. HARRY Um….no, thank you. HAGRID Good thing I’m here. Too bad it will make me look suspicious later. INT. FLOURISH AND BLOTTS Hi, Harry. I got my hair fixed. And you’d think you’d know how to fix your own glasses by now. MRS. WEASLEY Harry! We were so worried. But we didn’t look for you at all! PROFESSOR LOCKHART And starring…Kenneth Branagh as Kenneth Branagh! HARRY Who’s this guy? LOCKHART Why, it’s Harry Potter! HARRY Oh, crap. LOCKHART Too bad I forgot to announce I’m teaching at Hogwarts. DRACO MALFOY Grrrr, Harry, grrr. GINNY GRRRRRRRR! AUDIENCE Whoa. LUCIUS MALFOY comes in and immediately starts competing with SARUMAN for the MOST BLATANTLY EVIL CHARACTER AWARD. Daddy, Daddy. Harry’s girlfriend threatened me! LUCIUS Shut up, Draco. Now, go get Daddy a highball. HARRY Why don’t you bleach your eyebrows as well as your hair? LUCIUS I don’t have to. I’m better than everyone. DRACO So there! AUDIENCE Hey, Draco. Try opening your mouth when you talk. MR. WEASLEY Oh, it’s Lucius. Have time to establish some tension? LUCIUS Not with someone so inferior. I’m just going to slip this book into Ginny’s cauldron. La de da. No one sees me. HARRY Yeah, way to be inconspicuous. AUDIENCE Fight, fight, fight! LUCIUS and DRACO walk away. Hey! Again! INT. KING’S CROSS Rejected! HARRY Oh, no! The train leaves at 11 exactly! We’ve missed it! AUDIENCE Apparently magic and fascism make trains run on time. RON Wait, it’s 11 o’clock? In the morning? This can’t possibly be the same day, but there hasn’t been a time lapse. DIRECTOR CHRIS COLUMBUS Yeah, I kind of screwed up this transition. RON Since this scene’s already messed up, let’s take the car that wasn’t here before. HARRY Won’t someone notice? RON No one noticed when we ripped those bars off your window and flew away. EXT. THE GLORY OF THE U.K. COUNTRYSIDE We’ll just follow the train. DIRECTOR CHRIS COLUMBUS This scene isn’t dramatic enough! Let’s threaten some lives! HARRY and RON nearly DIE so the SPECIAL EFFECTS TEAM can SHOW OFF. EXT. HOGWARTS Well, our ride here was…er…eventful, but now we’re safe at Hogwarts. FORD ANGLIA The hell you are. FORD ANGLIA crashes into the WHOMPING WILLOW. Hey, who wants to watch Jurassic Park with me? RON Well, we’re in a tree. But we’re okay. WHOMPING WILLOW The hell you are. The WHOMPING WILLOW, well, WHOMPS. Well, the car’s wrecked, we and our luggage are strewn across the grass, and my wand broke. But, it’s all over. FILCH The hell it is. INT. SNAPE’S OFFICE BLAH! AUDIENCE Whoa, that is just some cruel lighting there. SNAPE I realize that last year I wasn’t as mean as I should have been. I plan on rectifying this. PROFESSOR DUMBLEDORE Not at this moment you won’t. AUDIENCE *bursts into tears* Riiiiichaaard… SNAPE But, but…awww… DUMBLEDORE Don’t point, Snape. It’s not very nice. EXT. HOGWARTS – NEXT MORNING You’ll notice the anthropomorphism of the mandrakes is more creepy than usual when you realize we’ll eventually be cutting them up. HERMIONE If we can hear Sprout over the earmuffs, what good are they against the mandrakes? AUDIENCE Wow, that’s an annoying noise. This scene can end now. INT. THE GREAT HALL Hi! I’m so adorable! Look at my eyes! HARRY We can’t if you keep flashing us with that camera. THE HOWLER I’M NOT AS BAD AS YOU’D EXPECT! RON Take a good look at my expression. I’ll be wearing it for most of the movie. THE HOWLER LET ME JUST POINT OUT GINNY SO YOU DON’T FORGET SHE’S HERE! INT. LOCKHART’S CLASS *singing* I feel pretty, oh so pretty…! HARRY Stop singing so we can establish you as inept. LOCKHART So long as I am fabulously inept. NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM I’m in pain for your amusement, again. HERMIONE I have the solution, again. AUDIENCE Show me a hot guy closer to my age! EXT. HOGWARTS Hello, ladies. Dig my accent. The SLYTHERIN QUIDDITCH TEAM accosts HARRY, OLIVER and the GRYFFINDOR QUIDDITCH TEAM. Other than Marcus Flint, the Slytherin team has gotten a lot less ugly. DRACO I’m a Seeker too. I’m so bad. Even my broom looks vaguely evil. HERMIONE Whatever. You’re going to lose to Harry anyway. DRACO Mudblood. HERMIONE I suppose that since this is a children’s story, that’s about the worst slur we can allow. But, really, it’s kind of lame, Draco. RON attempts to RETALIATE, but blows it. I will offer moral support because I am your trusted friend. Try to remember that. INT. LOCKHART’S OFFICE . . . And that’s how I invented Shakespeare. EERIE VOICE My god, he’s dull. HARRY Tell me about it …Wait, who’s talking? EERIE VOICE Er…kill…die…do the Hustle… HARRY Hey! Come back! RON AND HERMIONE Where are you going? HARRY To make myself look suspicious. Want to come? HARRY, RON and HERMIONE find MRS. NORRIS and GRAFFITI. Now, honestly. I know that’s what it says in the book, but how do you hang a cat like that? FILCH My cat? Noooo! What will I tell Mr. Norris? A ROVING BAND OF TEACHERS comes by. Returning characters in front, and lesser teachers stay back until acknowledged. SNAPE Now can I censure Potter now? DUMBLEDORE No, Snape. DRACO Is there anything I can say to make our heroes suspect me? Of course there is. FILCH I am overly concerned about my cat! DUMBLEDORE Don’t worry. She’s only been petrified. Much like my sense of humor. INT. MCGONAGALL’S CLASSROOM Today I will be teaching you one of the most important life skills of a wizard: turning animals into water goblets. HERMIONE Why don’t you provide some backstory instead? MCGONAGALL Well, since it would cost extra special effects money to create Professor Binns, I guess I could. Just don’t get sucked into my hideous broach. Blah, blah, blah, SLYTHERIN was a JERK, blah, blah, blah, PUREBLOODS, blah, blah, blah, MONSTER. Exposition block deployed. Plot restarting in 5…4…3…2…1… EXT. QUIDDITCH FIELD Why am I here? MADAM HOOCH Why am I not? HARRY Man, do we ever play anyone other than Slytherin? A SLYTHERIN/GRYFFINDOR game is established so DIRECTOR CHRIS COLUMBUS can mostly ignore it. Because my rivalry with Harry is more important. HARRY It’s not really a rivalry, per se. It’s mostly me kicking your butt. HARRY and DRACO chase the SNITCH and are chased by a BATSHIT INSANE BLUDGER. You’ll never catch me, copper, I mean, Potter. AUDIENCE You know, Draco, if you stopped turning around to taunt Harry once in awhile, you might actually catch the Snitch. BATSHIT INSANE BLUDGER nearly kills HARRY. SEVERAL TIMES. Okay, can I just catch the damn Snitch now? DRACO wipes out. Oh, that’s it. I’m buying a new kid. BATSHIT INSANE BLUDGER whacks HARRY’S ARM, but he catches the SNITCH anyway because he’s DETERMINED and he’s the PROTAGONIST. Let me screw things up, Harry. I haven’t been adequately established as inept yet. HARRY You’re inept, you’re inept! Don’t touch me! TOO LATE. INT. HOSPITAL WING Hello? Can anyone hear me? HARRY *waking up* Quidditch practice! DOBBY Harry Potter is not trusting Dobby, is he, sir? HARRY looks in DOBBY’S general direction. Look, maybe if you gave me a reason. DOBBY Dobby will not tell Harry Potter anything of real value. DOBBY beats the CRAP out of himself and DISAPPEARS. Let’s make as much noise as possible so Harry can eavesdrop. MADAM POMFREY I wonder what is petrifying people? I wonder who we have working on this, other than Harry? MCGONAGALL Poor Colin. I wonder if he got a picture of it. COLIN’S CAMERA explodes. Hm. Must be a Polaroid. INT. A SLIGHTLY CREEPY BATHROOM We are making a complex and highly dangerous potion. HARRY And it wasn’t even in the Restricted Section. MOANING MYRTLE My voice is more annoying than my character. INT. DUELING STAGE Just suck it in. Don’t breathe. SNAPE Grrrrrr… SNAPE lays the SMACKDOWN on LOCKHART. Though, in the time it took Snape to cast that spell, a more proficient wizard could have killed him several times. LOCKHART Why don’t we let the students beat up on each other now? SNAPE An excellent opportunity to attempt to establish the Harry/Draco rivalry as legitimate. SNAPE spontaneously directs AIR TRAFFIC. It looks like we’re casting the same spell, even if we say different words. DRACO sets loose A CGI SNAKE. LOCKHART is INEPT. Hi, Harry. How’s it going? HARRY Not so bad. You? CGI SNAKE Well, pretty good until Snape set me on fire. JUSTIN FINCH-FLETCHLEY Don’t threaten me! HARRY Who are you? Why would I want to? DIRECTOR CHRIS COLUMBUS Character establishment? What’s that? HERMIONE Harry, you speak Snake! RON Wow, are you ever suspicious now! INT. DUMBLEDORE’S OFFICE Nothing says “magic” like random rotating objects. SORTING HAT Problems, Potter? HARRY I only looked at you. Don’t get your point up. SORTING HAT People find you suspicious for perfectly justifiable reasons. FAWKES Hi, Harry. I’m a phoenix. FAWKES bursts into flames. Don’t worry. I’m a big-ass symbol of good. DUMBLEDORE I called you here to tell you I don’t suspect you. As you are the only person investigating the recent attacks, want to enlighten me? GRIFFIN STATUE Gimme a hug! INT. A SLIGHTLY CREEPY BATHROOM We need to get Crabbe and Goyle out of the way. CRABBE AND/OR GOYLE Nothing says “not suspicious” like floating food. HARRY and RON turn into CRABBE AND/OR GOYLE. Did we steal this effect from X-files or what? I think something is about to burst through my skin. HERMIONE You guys go on ahead. I’m working on a lucrative crossover deal. INT. HOGWARTS HALLS Now, if we only knew where we were going. PERCY Hey! People in the hallway! That’s not allowed! No walking on the floors! DRACO I have impeccable timing. Oh, ew! Weasleys! PERCY Mind your eyebrows, Draco. INT. THE OBVIOUSLY EVIL SLYTHERIN COMMON ROOM Buy a color. Please. DRACO throws himself across a COUCH. CUE: CHEESY 70S PORN MUSIC I’m not the Heir. RON/CRABBE Then why did we waste our time with this plotline? DRACO I’m also klepto. HARRY/GOYLE C’mon, we’re blowing our cover. Plus, that music is inspiring so many slash stories. HARRY and RON turn back into HARRY and RON. Hermione? We’re back. What’s this about a crossover? HERMIONE Check it out! I’m a catgirl. Everyone loves catgirls! AUDIENCE Oh, dear god. NO. INT. SEVERAL PLACES IN HOGWARTS CONFLATED INTO ONE SCENE Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, guess I’ll go eat worms. RON You can’t eat. MOANING MYRTLE I’ll turn the powers of my annoying voice on you! HARRY finds a BOOK drenched in TOILET WATER. *inside book* Design it so liquids come through. What was I thinking? HARRY *writing in book* My name is Harry Potter. TOM How many people start a diary like that? *writing back* How about, “Dear Diary,” Harry? HARRY Wow! Since everything in this story is somehow related, I bet this book knows something about the Chamber of Secrets. *writing* Can you help me? TOM *writing back* You’ve known me for two minutes. Will you trust me? HARRY *writing* Of course. TOM This boy is as dense as lead. HARRY is sucked into the BOOK. Can anyone hear me? AUDIENCE Of course not. You’re color, they’re sepia. It’ll never work. “YOUNG” DUMBLEDORE Damn, how old am I? HARRY discovers TOM discovering HAGRID discovering a GIANT SPIDER. TOM attempts to blast GIANT SPIDER, but misses. Hagrid?! But I know and trust him! AUDIENCE Which implies what about Tom, Harry? HARRY Oh, no it was Hagrid! AUDIENCE *smacks selves on head* EXT. QUIDDITCH FIELD We’re finally playing someone other than Slytherin. MCGONAGALL No, you’re not. OLIVER takes this RATHER WELL, all things considering. Harry, Ron. Hermione’s been petrified. HARRY But, I need her brain! I can’t sort out whether I think Hagrid did it or not! We’re trapped in a plot cul-de-sac! RON Maybe we should just ask. INT. HAGRID’S HUT Hagrid, we need some information… DUMBLEDORE and CORNELIUS FUDGE interrupt. Sorry, Hagrid. But we need to introduce Azkaban for the next movie. LUCIUS interrupts. Is my house a freeway all of a sudden? LUCIUS Hello, may I grace you with my superior presence? I’m here to get rid of Dumbledore. HAGRID What? Why? LUCIUS I’m evil, obviously. DUMBLEDORE Don’t worry. As long as someone (Harry Potter) has faith in me (Harry Potter), everything will be all right (Harry Potter). LUCIUS That’s fabulous. Now, why are you talking to the grate? HAGRID Follow the spiders for…stuff. HARRY/RON/AUDIENCE Stuff? INT. THE DARK FOREST WITH NO UNDERGROWTH Spiders…ew! AUDIENCE Stop being such a wuss, Ron. HARRY All the spiders are heading toward this giant tree. AUDIENCE Remember the last movie, Harry? Giant tree equals thing that will try to kill you. A GIANT SPIDER PUPPET confronts HARRY and RON. I am Aragog, son of Arathog, King of the Spiders. RON Harry… HARRY Not now, Ron. ARAGOG It wasn’t Hagrid. I won’t tell you what the monster was because I’m a jerk, but it did ravage the school and kill some girl. So, pretty much an average year at Hogwarts. RON Harry… AUDIENCE Harry, when your best friend is trying to get your attention in situation like this, it’s probably not for nothing HARRY What, Ron? ARAGOG You’re going to die. HARRY Well, I certainly never saw this coming. A 50s HORROR MOVIE starts. I’ve decided to forgive you for crashing me into a temperamental tree. FORD ANGLIA saves their PATHETIC ASSES. I still don’t think the book was dramatic enough. More violence! HARRY uses the SAME SPELL TOM used in the FLASHBACK. If you only knew from whom you were picking up tricks. FORD ANGLIA Think happy thoughts! FORD ANGLIA flies them to safety and returns to the WILD. Good thing there’s this road behind Hagrid’s hut. HARRY Unfortunately, we’re still trapped in the plot cul-de-sac. RON Let’s go visit Hermione. Maybe her very presence will inspire us. INT. HOSPITAL WING Oh, Hermione. What do we do now? HERMIONE *thinking* Check. My. Hand. RON How come Harry gets to hold her hand? HARRY Hey, she’s clutching something. HERMIONE *thinking* FINALLY! HARRY According to this, the eerie voice is a basilisk! And I know why we had that digression with the Polyjuice Potion! Moaning Myrtle is the girl who died! RON Let’s go find the roving band of teachers! DUMBLEDORE Sadly, we are completely useless. We lost Ginny. HARRY Even though the whole movie has offered evidence to the contrary, we think Lockhart is going try to look for the Chamber of Secrets. LOCKHART I’m not. Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. RON You’re helping us, you wigged jerk! LOCKHART Boys, why don’t you seek help from a teacher with actual brains? HARRY AND RON Uh… INT. THE SLIGHTLY CREEPY BATHROOM Of course I’m the girl who died! Everything that’s happened throughout this entire movie is inter-connected! HARRY opens the CHAMBER by speaking SNAKE. Man, how do those sinks work at all? LOCKHART Turns out, I’m more than inept. I’m a huge jackass. LOCKHART attempts to use RON’S WAND, but ends up hurting himself and collapsing the INFRASTRUCTURE. And of course I’m separated from my only help. LOCKHART Now I’m inept to the nth power! RON knocks LOCKHART out. Yes! Thank you! I mean, no, Ron. That was very wrong. RON Now what do I do? HARRY Just keep clopping him on the head. I’ll save the day. INT. THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS So glad Salazar Slytherin had the foresight to install the metal ladders. HARRY Oh no! Ginny! Who did this to you? TOM Ginny did it to herself, as evidenced by these flashbacks. HARRY, TOM and AUDIENCE have a COLLECTIVE FLASHBACK. And now, my Clark Kent hair and I will defeat you. HARRY But, why? TOM Because I am…Man, this anagram spell is slow…hang on. *waits* I am Lord Voldemort! HARRY Wow, you have the most convenient middle name ever! TOM Shut up! You die now! HARRY I could really use that help Dumbledore promised about now. FAWKES Have a hat. Later. TOM calls the BASILISK. And that was crawling through the pipes? Hogwarts must have some big-ass pipes! FAWKES I’ll give you some actual help now. But because this is a PG movie, we can’t actually show you what’s happening. HARRY You’d think I’d be watching the actual event, instead of the shadow. TOM Well, if it can’t see you, it can hear you! AUDIENCE Hear? It’s a SNAKE. Shouldn’t it smell Harry? BASILISK Smell? Have you seen what’s in my mouth? No way can I smell through that. SORTING HAT Here Harry, have this plastic sword I bought for five bucks at Wal-Mart. HARRY climbs the STATUE and puts himself in PRECARIOUS PLACES so DIRECTOR CHRIS COLUMBUS can channel ALFRED HITCHCOCK again. My head! Stupid boy! You die now! TOM Ha, ha! Now you will die and I will RULE the world! Ha, ha…Wow, you got back down fast for an injured guy. HARRY stabs DIARY. No, no! Argh! What a world, what a world! AUDIENCE That diary is quite a bleeder. TOM explodes. Harry: 3; Voldemort: 0. GINNY Yes, but you’re still going to die. HARRY Oops. Guess I wasn’t quick enough. FAWKES Damn straight, you weren’t. Good thing I’m still here. HARRY Well, let’s go. Ron’s probably killed Lockhart by now. INT. DUMBLEDORE’S OFFICE …And then the Sorting Hat gave me a tacky sword… LUCIUS storms in. Speaking of tacky… LUCIUS I’m so evil that I can’t be fully lighted. You have to deal with this “slash of light” effect. Watch me abuse my house-elf. HARRY Dobby! You belong to him? EVERYONE looks in DOBBY’S general direction. Smooth, Harry. Real smooth. DUMBLEDORE Harry saved the day, Lucius. What do you think of that? LUCIUS DAMN! I mean, why should I care? I think I’ll be evil somewhere else now. HARRY Wait up. I got Dobby in trouble and now I’ll get him out. AUDIENCE At least he’s responsible. DOBBY Harry Potter has played a nasty trick on Lucius Malfoy! What a hero! LUCIUS Why you little…AVADA… AUDIENCE What? WHAT?! DOBBY saves HARRY, but the AUDIENCE is too busy goggling at LUCIUS’S AUDACITY to notice. INT. GREAT HALL Well, Voldemort’s defeated again. I don’t know why we had so much trouble with him 12 years ago. HERMIONE I’m not petrified anymore! HAGRID I’m back! CAST bursts into APPLAUSE, which confuses the AUDIENCE and causes them to APPLAUD too. What are we applauding? And why? CREDITS You want to see the end scene don’t you? Ha, ha! Damn, I’m long. By Evadne
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