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Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban: Breadbox EditionFADE IN: EXT. SAME PLACE ALL THESE MOVIES START I hope everyone here has read the book. Otherwise, you’re probably going to get a little confused. HARRY POTTER inflates AUNT MARGE. In the BOOK, this was an opportunity to develop his CHARACTER. Sadly, we don’t have time for that. We just need to get on to the next plot point. AUDIENCE We have, however, learned that Harry has a slight owl obsession. Seriously, buy posters of girls, or sport teams, or something. MR. DURSLEY You’re going to get in so much trouble! You’re not allowed to do magic out of school. HARRY How would you know that? The Ministry didn’t do anything last time magic was performed in this house anyway. HARRY runs away. Yeah, I’m not evil. I actually just want to see Harry. But you’d think I’d realize that I look pretty frightening. SURPRISED by DOG, HARRY accidentally summons the KNIGHT BUS. However, he does not seem SURPRISED to see it. I’m comedy! DIRECTOR CUARON I want to be Tim Burton. HARRY gets picked up in DIAGON ALLEY by NOSFERATU. Die, Harker! HARRY Uh, Harry. NOSFERATU Sorry, wrong story. HARRY meets CORNELIUS FUDGE who HARRY is also NOT SURPRISED to see. Hey, I read the book. FUDGE I decided clashing pinstripes were so last year. HARRY So, am I in trouble? FUDGE Oh no. Why would you be? You’re famous, we’ve never enforced the rule before, and we’re pretty ineffectual over at the Ministry anyway. Well, you’re off to school tomorrow! HARRY Tomorrow? But how will I…? FUDGE Don’t worry. Your books are over there, your owl is over here, and your little friends will be showing up shortly. The BEGINNING of the BOOK zooms past the AUDIENCE so fast, their HEADS SPIN. INT. LEAKY CAULDRON Hi, Harry. We’re here, as promised. Pay attention to the quick mention of Crookshanks. RON WEASLEY Look, Harry. The newspaper covered my family’s trip to Egypt. Don’t ask why. FRED AND/OR GEORGE We’ve caught a severe case of British Guy Hair! MR. WEASLEY Harry, I thought you should know Sirius Black is looking for you. HARRY The guy on all the posters? SIRIUS BLACK POSTER I’M NOT OVERACTING! INT. HOGWART’S EXPRESS Everything’s FINE for a while, but then… Shire…Baggins… HARRY Argh! Flashbacks…making me…pass out! REMUS LUPIN Mighty Moustache Attack! DEMENTOR flees in TERROR of the MOUSTACHE. CUE: STUPID PASS OUT WIPE I passed out? Oh man, I sense major emotional turmoil in my future. LUPIN Hello, Harry. I’m going to help you through that turmoil. DIRECTOR CUARON Now, what can I do to make this movie more artsy? I know! I’ll film reflections! That’ll confuse people! INT. GREAT HALL The HOGWARTS JAZZ CHOIR performs for the FIRST TIME EVER. Hagrid’s a professor now. And one of the four people the Audience will be able to identify at the Head Table. AUDIENCE Hogwarts has some serious professor turnover. DRACO MALFOY My hair is no longer aerodynamic, but I’m still a jerk. PROFESSOR DUMBLEDORE provides some HALF-BAKED MORALS. INT. CLASSES I used to be a Shakespearean actor. REST OF ADULT CAST Join the club. POOF! HERMIONE appears. Nothing, nothing. RON Am I the only one who sees this? TRELAWNEY Harry is in deep, terrible, kinda vague trouble. HARRY Oh, like it takes a seer to figure that out. When am I not? EXT. THE HILL DOWN TO…HAGRID’S HUT? Was that always there? HARRY, RON and HERMIONE talk about something that is PROBABLY IMPORTANT, but the AUDIENCE doesn’t care because… Bunny! HAGRID As this is my first class, I feel the need to put Harry in an awkward position. Say hello to Buckbeak. BUCKBEAK Hey. I’m pretty cool looking, no? HARRY You’re probably the best CGI I’ve ever ridden. FIRENZE Hey! HARRY, being the HERO, easily tames BUCKBEAK. He gets a nice ride, showing off the BEAUTIFUL SCENERY. *tastefully refrains from making a Titanic joke* MALFOY, not being the hero, immediately does SOMETHING STUPID. Idiot child. MALFOY Oww! AUDIENCE When did Malfoy become such a wuss? MALFOY Die, birdy-thing! HARRY Oh, that’s no good. INT. DARK ARTS CLASSROOM Guess what? You all get to face your fears! CLASS *not so thrilled* LUPIN But you get to make them funny! CLASS *still not so thrilled* LUPIN I know what will lighten your mood…swing music! AUDIENCE Hipster. NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM I’m afraid of Snape. SNAPE in a DRESS! Movie = made. FAKE SNAPE This hat with that bag? OTHERS make fear funny. PARVATI manages to make her fear induced snake EVEN SCARIER. Now what am I afraid of… DEMENTOR Hey. VOLDEMORT …the hell? Kid, I killed your parents! Fear me! I’m scary! Grrrr… LUPIN None of that. Let’s let the Audience get a good look at what I fear. EXT. A…BRIDGE? Did Dumbledore decide to make some additions over the summer? A bridge, move the Whomping Willow, maybe a nice porch? LUPIN Harry, you are afraid of fear itself. HARRY Thank you, FDR. LUPIN Harry, you’re so like your father. And your mother. She was so nice to me. Such a good, beautiful woman. AUDIENCE Um…is this a Lupin/Lily moment? ‘Cause I don’t know how to feel about that. INT. HOGWARTS Sirius Black! DUMBLEDORE Oh, yes. That’s the main plot. INT. GREAT HALL SLUMBER PARTY! We’re only feet away from Harry. Let’s talk about him. SNAPE Yes, there’s no possible way he could be awake. DUMBLEDORE Let’s not worry Harry. Instead, let me say vague, ridiculous things that sound deep until you think about them. Keep your feet on the ground and reach for the stars. AUDIENCE Hear that noise? That’s the script sucking even more life out of Dumbledore. SNAPE I’m sorry, are you still talking to me? INT. DARK ARTS CLASSROOM I’m teaching today, and you all know what that means… HARRY Pain? RON Suffering? SNAPE …SLIDE SHOW! AUDIENCE The amazing, magical, not at all Muggle…slide projector! SNAPE I’m skipping ahead in your lessons to werewolves. I have no ulterior motive whatsoever. This is not part of the plot. AUDIENCE Everything is part of the plot. There’s no time for extraneous material. This isn’t Prisoner of Azkaban inasmuch as it is “Best of: Prisoner of Azkaban.” HERMIONE appears out of nowhere again. See! We just have plot all over the place! MALFOY sends HARRY a little flying note. *reading* “Do you like me? Check ‘Yes’ or ‘No’”. EXT. QUDDITCH AUDIENCE is amazed WIZARDS have lasted as long as they have considering they don’t call their FLYING SPORT EVENTS even on account of LIGHTNING. I have flying goggles! Great idea! I wonder why no one has thought of this before! HARRY chases the SNITCH with someone who is PRESUMABLY CEDRIC DIGGORY. Oh no! No one says my name and I get struck by lightning! AUDIENCE At least Cho got cut. DEMENTORS attack. HARRY passes out, cueing another STUPID WIPE. INT. HOSPITAL WING What happened? HERMIONE Presumably Cedric presumably caught the snitch. Though I can’t say his name, so I can’t come right out and tell you this. RON Also, your broom broke. FRED AND/OR GEORGE And everyone saw you fall because of the dementors. THINGS SUCK for HARRY. EXT. WOODS Lupin, things suck for me. LUPIN Why do you keep following me around? HARRY What can I do about it? LUPIN If you promise to leave me alone for a few scenes, I’ll help you later. HARRY and LUPIN find what they were looking for, which was apparently HEDWIG. Can’t I lose this boy for ten minutes? I was supposed to meet Crookshanks for a meeting of the Diminished Animal Characters Guild. I’ll just fly into the next season to be rid of him. HEDWIG flies into the NEXT SCENE only to find HARRY waiting for her. ARGH! EXT. CLOCKTOWER – WINTER …the hell did this giant clock come from? DIRECTOR CUARON Isn’t it cool? IT IS, until the PENDULUM WHACKS some UNSUSPECTING STUDENT. I’m bored and lonely. I think I’ll try and sneak into Hogsmeade. FRED AND/OR GEORGE Oh, no you don’t. We haven’t given you a key element of the plot yet. GEORGE AND/OR FRED Here is the Marauders’ Map. HARRY Who are the Marauders? FRED AND/OR GEORGE Shhhh! Don’t ask that question! Just use it to sneak into Hogsmeade. Its real significance will be apparent later. INT. HOGSMEADE HARRY puts on his INVISIBLITY CLOAK and walks into THINGS. Why do invisible people immediately become clumsy? HARRY Hey, do you want to look at an empty set for ten minutes? HARRY finds HERMIONE and RON, who are having a MOMENT. BUT MALFOY shows up. Nice hat, Malfoyowski. MALFOYOWSKI Blah, blah, blah. I’m better than you. Blah, blah. You know, the stuff I usually say. Et cetera, et cetera. HERMIONE AND RON *Yawn* MALFOYOWSKI And now…WE DANCE! SNOWBALLS fly out of NOWHERE to hit MALFOYOWSKI. He runs off, but not to tell SNAPE. Oh no! Snowball throwing ghosts! HERMIONE Shut up, Ron. Hi, Harry. Want to go into town to get more pertinent plot related information? HARRY Will it depress me? HERMIONE Yep. HARRY Let’s go! INT. HOGSMEADE HARRY and FRIENDS see HAGRID, MCGONAGALL, FUDGE, and other IMPORTANT PEOPLE hanging around talking about HARRY. Let’s talk about the plot to Madam Rosmerta. AUDIENCE Because she really needs to know. HARRY sneaks in because he’s INVISIBLE, and because NO ONE notices how CLUMSY he’s suddenly become. Yes. Sirius Black is responsible for the Potters’ death. And for Peter Pettigrew’s death. ROSMERTA Peter Pettigrew? MCGONAGALL Yes. Peter Pettigrew. FUDGE Is that name engraved in the Audience’s heads yet? MCGONAGALL Sirius Black was their friend, and … Harry’s godfather. AUDIENCE Dun, dun, DUN! HAGRID Why, if Harry were here right now, he’d run out of the room, crying and swearing revenge. HARRY runs out of the room, CRYING and SWEARING REVENGE. INT. LUPIN’S OFFICE Spine? Anyone need a new spine? HARRY Lupin, be father figure-esque and teach me to deal with my fears. LUPIN Okay, Harry. I guess I will teach the most important key element of the plotline: Expecto patronum. HARRY Expecto patronum. LUPIN Excellent! You are able to repeat after me! AUDIENCE Wow, Lupin. You don’t have high expectations for your students, do you? LUPIN Listen very carefully to my voice. Think of a happy memory… Thiiiiink…relaaaax…happiness is the keeey. Now… SLEEP! HARRY What? LUPIN Sorry. Just use your happiness to fight the dementor. HARRY FAILS. Well, that won’t do. HARRY Well, it’s not like I’m a wealth of happy memories over here. HARRY manages to come up with a HAPPY THOUGHT, and is able to FLY, I mean, FIGHT the DEMENTOR. Excellent! What memory did you use? HARRY A memory of my parents that doesn’t actually exist. LUPIN/AUDIENCE Oh. Okay. EXT. HAGRID’S HUT Buckbeak’s gonna die! HARRY ET AL Oh no! SOMEWHERE ALONG THE LINE, SCABBERS also dies. Riiiiight. DIRECTOR CUARON And now back to your regularly scheduled movie. INT. HOGWARTS – NIGHT RON has the BEST JOKE of the movie right before things get TENSE. Peter Pettigrew? That was the name Fudge kept drilling into my head. But he’s wandering the halls of Hogwarts? I thought he was dead. AUDIENCE *rolls eyes* HARRY I better investigate and not tell anyone. AUDIENCE So much would be prevented in the Harry Potter Universe if only people would tell each other things. HARRY doesn’t find PETER. He does find SNAPE, however. What are you doing wandering around at night? HARRY What am I doing? What are you doing? At least the Audience knows what my rationale is. SNAPE I…er…I’M BATMAN! HARRY Would you please point your lens flare on a stick elsewhere? AUDIENCE Someone has a copy of Photoshop. SNAPE Hey, what’s that in your hand? SUDDENLY, SNAPE deteriorates into SELF-PARODY. ACTING! LUPIN What’s going on here? AUDIENCE Is everyone just wandering the halls tonight? SNAPE *ACTS* LUPIN Riiiiight. Let’s all just go elsewhere. LUPIN leads HARRY away. SNAPE puts out his LENS FLARE and wanders off in the PITCH DARK. As your pseudo-father figure, I’m very disappointed in you, Harry. I’m not giving your map back. HARRY How did you know it was a map? LUPIN Shhhh! Don’t ask that question. HARRY Okay. Oh, and, Peter Pettigrew. LUPIN Say what? INT. DIVINATION TRELAWNEY is also funny before things get TENSE. Divination is all bull. I’m insulted and I’m leaving. Come on, ball. Let’s go. HARRY and RON are not SMART ENOUGH to leave until the end of class. Ron, I have to go back to the classroom for a moment. You know, so something important to the plot can happen. TRELAWNEY *gets freaky and prophesizes* AUDIENCE Run, Harry! Run! HARRY …I hate my life. DIRECTOR CUARON Of course, no one is going to mention this prophecy ever again. EXT. HAGRID’S HOUSE Look! Crows! Am I Tim Burton yet? MALFOY attempts to ASSERT HIMSELF, but winds up whining and cringing. AGAIN. *whack* MALFOY Oww! AUDIENCE Nancy. HARRY, HERMIONE and RON attempt to comfort HAGRID because BUCKBEAK is about to DIE. WEIRD THINGS happen. Huh. HERMIONE Huh. RON Huh? HAGRID gives RON back SCABBERS. Don’t know how I found him. HAGRID ushers THE GANG out before they get in MORE TROUBLE. Screw you guys. *bites Ron* RON chases SCABBERS to the next scene. EXT. WHOMPING WILLOW Hey, did it just get darker? The BIG BLACK DOG drags off RON under the WHOMPING WILLOW. Oh, that’s right. I’m supposed to hit people. HARRY/HERMIONE Ouch! HARRY has a VELMA moment, but manages to NOT BREAK his glasses for once. HERMIONE knocks HARRY under the WILLOW, and somehow manages to fall in right behind him, even though she was still SWINGING moments before. INT. THE SHRIEKING SHACK It’s a trap! SIRIUS I’m going to kill someone! LUPIN! Sirius, my friend! SIRIUS I’m going to kill someone! HERMIONE Oh, that’s it! Where wolf? THERE wolf! LUPIN Sirius isn’t bad. SIRIUS I’m going to kill someone! LUPIN Sirius, you’re not helping. AUDIENCE Maybe if you stopped acting so sinister for a moment and explained, the children wouldn’t be frightened out of their minds. And ready to kill you. LUPIN Peter Pettigrew killed your parents, Harry. HARRY Say what? SNAPE! And, yes, he’s still ACTING. I hate everyone! SNAPE fuels the belief that LUPIN and SIRIUS are OTP. I bet the dementors are just dying to give you a kiss, Sirius. SIRIUS Kissing? Icky! HARRY I need to sort this out so I’ll guess I’ll just… BLAST SNAPE! LUPIN Peter Pettigrew is Ron’s rat. RON …I hate my life. PETER is, IN FACT, SCABBERS. I even look like a rat. Considering Lupin and Sirius’s appearances, we must have been the ugliest group of friends ever. SIRIUS I’m going to kill someone…PETER! AUDIENCE Oh, now you explain. HARRY No, no more murder. PETER I’m not going to die! HARRY No, I’ll just give you to the dementors, who will suck out your soul. Which, when you think about it, is worse. EXT. WHOMPING WILLOW Did they leave Snape…? Yes. Yes, they did. WHOMPING WILLOW Do I hit people now? DIRECTOR CUARON Not now. HARRY and SIRIUS have a SWEET MOMENT. HERMIONE and RON have a SWEET MOMENT. Awwwww… HERMIONE Hey, the moon! LUPIN Oh, yeah. Whoops. LUPIN turns into what I’M GOING TO ASSUME is a WEREWOLF. *runs like the little rat he is* SNAPE I can’t believe you left me…oh, werewolf. I hate my life. SIRIUS turns into the BIG BLACK DOG and chases off LUPIN. I am so concerned about Sirius, who I thought was trying to kill me only ten minutes ago, that I will chase after him and the werewolf, despite the fact I have a snowball’s chance against Lupin. SNAPE Wait. Don’t. Stop. AUDIENCE Way to protect your students, Snape. HARRY suddenly realizes that this was NOT THE BEST PLAN. Aaoooow! LUPIN Kill the kid…or get some…hmmm… LUPIN decides PROCREATION triumphs over DESTRUCTION. Whew. Sirius is injured, but everything will be all right now. Of course, IT WON’T. Give us the Halfling! HARRY Oh, crap. DEMENTORS start to SUCK out SIRIUS’S SOUL. Sirius has winterfresh breath! HARRY and SIRIUS are saved by a STAG. Now cue the scene change wipe! INT. HOSPITAL WING I think I saw my Dad! HERMIONE Oh, boy. He’s finally snapped. DUMBLEDORE Sirius is locked in the Dark Tower and is sentenced to have his soul removed. AUDIENCE Hogwarts has a “Dark Tower?” DUMBLEDORE I’m fairly certain you can save everyone, as always. Hermione knows how. HARRY What’s he talking about? HERMIONE I can travel back in time. That’s why I keep appearing everywhere. AUDIENCE Blah, blah, blah. We already know this. Move on! EXT. STUFF THAT’S ALREADY HAPPENED Everything happens AGAIN, but this time, the WEIRD STUFF makes SENSE. First, we save Buckbeak. HERMIONE We’re going to be seen! DUMBLEDORE Now if you look over there, you’ll see a large number of highly distracting things. HARRY and HERMIONE rescue BUCKBEAK. Excellent. Hagrid, let’s party. The kids now WAIT AROUND. After Sirius is free, we’re going to get a house in the country. With a white picket fence, and tulip boxes in the windows, and a dog. HERMIONE I think the dog part is covered. HARRY Whoops, time to save ourselves. HERMIONE saves HARRY from LUPIN by HOWLING. So, werewolves don’t respond only to the call of their own kind inasmuch as they respond to the call of anyone attempting to sound like one of their kind. LUPIN Wait a minute. That’s not a werewolf! My bad. HERMIONE and HARRY realize this was NOT THE BEST PLAN. We seem to have a lot of those tonight. AUDIENCE You guys should really know better than to back through a forest. LUPIN Okay, this time nothing will save you. BUCKBEAK *whack* LUPIN …except the giant hippogriff. HARRY Thanks, Buckbeak. Now I’m going to see my Dad. NO, he’s not. Oh, wait. I saved me. Then what was with the stag? I should ask Lupin later. When he’s not trying to kill me. They rescue SIRIUS. Why does Hogwarts need a locked prison at the top of a tall tower? Are murderous felons a frequent problem? SIRIUS Thank you for saving me. And don’t worry, Harry. Your parents are always with you. Right here in your chest cavity. HARRY Don’t touch me. BUCKBEAK and SIRIUS are saved from certain DEATH. *bland moralizing* INT. LUPIN’S OFFICE – NEXT DAY I’m fine. Don’t worry about me. Just nearly got killed by every creature I came across last night. HARRY I wish you didn’t have to leave. I liked following you everywhere. So, care to explain who the Marauders were? LUPIN No, I do not. Here’s the map back though. You’ll need it for the next movie. Goodbye. INT. GREAT HALL Hi, Harry! I still have no idea what’s going on, but you got a Firebolt! HERMIONE From Sirius. Too bad this plot development was changed into a cheap happy ending. HARRY Who cares? I can end the movie with an awkward closeup! By Evadne
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