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Parodies> Hand Puppet Theater: Harry Potter and The Sorcerer's Stone
The Hand
Puppet Movie Theatre Presents
Harry
Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
The
Not-So-Golden Snitch
By AG |
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Dumbledore:
In the future, everyone will have cigarette lighters like these. |
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McGonagall:
I know all you fans are desperate for a good morph, but you'll have to
settle for a sillhouette at the moment. |
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Dumbledore:
So what's wrong with Hagrid bringing the baby here? |
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McGonagall:
You mean besides the fact that he's prone to sitting on small living creatures? |
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Hagrid:
Check out my rather disruptive entrance! No, I don't need a haircut. |
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Dumbledore:
To avoid the complications of a celebrity childhood, let's have Harry grow
up in an abusively snobbish family. |
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McGonagall:
Are you sure that's a good idea? |
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Dumbledore:
Trust me, this sort of thing breeds dramatic irony like you wouldn't believe. |
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~ HP ~
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Harry:
Well, guess it's just another day in my abusive life. Don't suppose anything
*cough* magical can happen today... |
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Dudley:
You can imagine me elation when they asked me to play the part of a boy
who is "roughly the size of a baby killer whale." |
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Aunt
Petunia:
There is nothing more frightening than a boy roughly the size of a baby
killer whale throwing a temper tantrum. |
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Uncle
Verne:
Harry, don't make Dudley's birthday any worse than he will himself. |
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Harry:
Hello, snake. It must suck to be you. |
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Snake:
Just for future reference, kid, it's not good to be able to speak snake. |
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Dudley:
Hey mummy, let's have a contest to see who can freak out more! |
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Uncle
Verne:
It's all your fault
Dudley's wet and freaked! |
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Harry:
Well, baby killer whales do need
water... |
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~ HP ~
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Harry:
Wow, it's my first letter in forever! |
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Uncle
Verne:
What if that letter has anthrax? I better burn it for you. |
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Owl
#1:
So...you here delivering another Harry Potter letter? |
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Owl
#2:
No, I'm just here for the free owl chow. |
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Harry:
Somebody's flooding the house with letters...maybe they want me to read
one. |
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Uncle
Verne:
NO! THEY ALL HAVE ANTHRAX! TRUST ME!! |
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Dudley:
I guess it's a good thing we own a random cottage on an island in the middle
of nowhere. |
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Harry:
For my birthday, I wish a giant bearded guy would take me off on a grand
adventure...wow, that was quick. |
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Hagrid:
Hope you guys have insurance on this place... |
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Uncle
Verne:
I can't believe it! There's someone on this planet that has more body fat
than me! |
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Hagrid:
Hey Harry, ever done anything that could be contrewed as magical? |
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Harry:
Well, there was that snake thing, but I'm certain that has a scientific
explanation. |
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Hagrid:
Would you rather go off on a grand adventure and see wondrous magicallyish
things, or stay and watch doctors try to figure out Dudley's pig
tail? |
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Harry:
Does the former include a dental plan? |
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~ HP ~
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Harry:
I'm still trying to figure out how we got from an island in the middle
of nowhere to London... |
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Hagrid:
We've got to head over to this magical bank in order to compound the already
oversized dramatic irony. |
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Goblin
#1:
We hate Harry. We hate everyone. And everything. |
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Goblin
#2:
And ATMs. We especially hate ATMs. |
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Hagrid:
See this little bag, Harry? It's called "foreshadowing." I suggest
you get friendly with it. |
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Harry:
Most kids get a Playstation for their birthday...I get a wand that makes
my hair poof out and a snobbish snowy owl. |
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Hedwig:
Someday they'll make pink plastic backpacks of me! |
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Harry:
So what's with this oh-look-it's-Harry-Potter thing? |
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Hagrid:
It basically involves an evil nemesis named He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named that
you'll be fighting in one form or other at the climax of each movie. |
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Fans:
You're never too young for good solid angst! |
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Fans:
...But you've got a few years before any bish-ness sets in. |
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Hagrid:
I'll just drop you off here with mysterious instructions and then randomly
disappear. |
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Harry:
This is certainly less than helpful. |
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George:
Do we not have the coolest family ever? |
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Fred:
Just the red hair alone puts us in the Top 10. |
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Harry:
I don't suppose any of you could give a demonstration on how to run through
a brick wall? |
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Ron:
Wow, I can feel the best friend vibes starting already. |
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Harry:
Check out this scar...it doubles as a controversial topic for fans of the
original work. |
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Ron:
You may be more famous, but my British accent is way more authentic-sounding
than yours. |
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Hermione:
I sound like a snot, but I'm actually the smartest of the trio. |
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Ron:
Too bad no one can pronounce your name. |
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Scabbers:
I am cute and cuddly...until the third book, that is. |
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~ HP ~
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Harry:
Explain this again...why do the freshmen have to take the boats? |
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Hagrid:
Smile big, kiddies...this is going to be on the movie poster! |
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Malfoy:
Hello, Harry. Unlike Hermione, I actually am a snot. |
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Ron:
So your pals' names are Crabbe and Goyle...are the other two called Dopey
and Sneezy? |
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Malfoy:
You three better prepare yourselves for some heavy-duty verbal abuse! |
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McGonagall:
Save the bully/victim interraction for a less appropriate time, please. |
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Sorting
Hat:
I am an extra-disturbing type of freshmen initiation. |
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Ron:
Stop freaking, Hermione...the storyline decrees that we'll all end up in
the same dorm. |
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Sorting
Hat:
HEY, EVERYONE! WANT TO FIND OUT WHAT HARRY POTTER IS THINKING?!? |
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Dumbledore:
By the way, Filch would like to remind you to stay away from certain places
that cause eminent death. |
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Fans:
...Which will all be visited by Harry by the end of the movie. |
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Filch:
I am so bitter, my cat won't even lick me. |
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Ron:
Wow, magic food...and it all tastes like chicken! |
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Nearly-Headless-Nick:
Don't mind my rather brief appearance. They didn't even bother to introduce
Peeves. |
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Fans:
Well, we gotta have something fill
up this "Titanic"-length movie. |
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J.K.
Rowling:
Just wait till you guys sit through 11 hours of "Goblet of Fire"... |
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~ HP ~
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McGonagall:
Alright, now you
are allowed to observe the mad morphing skills. |
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Harry:
So what happens when we're late? |
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Ron:
I SUCK UP like it's my last day on earth! |
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McGonagall:
How sweet of you. Guess I'll refrain from turning you into sour movie critics
for now. |
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Snape:
I'm so diabolically British it's almost sexy. |
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Harry:
Why do you hate me? |
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Snape:
Nonsense...I harbor no ill will towards any of my students. You accursed
little worm. |
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Malfoy:
I have two facial expressions: smirk and smug smirk. |
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Hermione:
Notice me, I'm a genius! |
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Snape:
Sorry, but I hate geniuses too. If you want to get on my "good" side,
try being a snobby rich guy's kid. |
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~ HP ~
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Harry:
I am desperate for mail...gimmie that tabloid! |
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Harry:
Uh oh...according to this article, the foreshadowing has compounded. |
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Hermione:
Don't tell me we're talking about the main plot already... |
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Ron:
Forget something, Neville? |
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Neville:
Oh yeah...I was supposed to tell J.K. Rowling to get her fat lazy butt
in gear and finish the fifth book. |
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J.K.
Rowling:
This fat lazy butt ain't goin' nowhere until I get more coffee inspiration. |
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Madame
Hooch:
I'll be your coach, kids! And in case you're wondering; yes, I did drop
my toaster in the bathtub this morning. |
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Neville:
It's just a little disturbing when you break your arm during the first
practice. |
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Malfoy:
As head snot of this story, I decree it is time to reveal even more amazing
and generally beneficial information about Harry's family! |
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McGonagall:
So...did I scare the crap out of you first-time viewers? |
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Fans:
Sorry, but only the sorting hat can pull that off. |
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Oliver
Wood:
Worship me; I am the only bishounen you will see for a loooooong time! |
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Fans:
If we were here for the bishounen, we'd be watching "Lord of the Rings" instead. |
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~ HP ~
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Harry:
Well darn, the stairs decided to switch on us. It's almost as if some wise
omnipotent entity wants us to go into the forbidden area. |
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J.K.
Rowling:
Mmm...cappuchino and chocolate croissant... |
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Filch:
There's nothing I hate more than adventurous little wizard kids. Except
maybe cleaning cursed toilets. |
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Mrs.
Norris:
I haven't bathed in eight years. |
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Hermione:
Next time, I'm picking
the hiding spots. |
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Ron:
IT'S A SNARLING CERBERUS! WE MUST BE AT THE GATES OF HELL!!! |
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Hermione:
And everyone says I overreact... |
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~ HP ~
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Flitwick:
I'm either a really friendly goblin or a really ugly human. |
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Ron:
Stupid feather! Stupid stupid stupid *@#&% feather!! |
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Hermione:
Stop mistaking my brilliance for snobbery! |
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Seamus:
Something tells me this exploding thing is going to become a running joke... |
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Ron:
Hermione is a nightmare...think I'll marry her someday. |
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Harry:
This is just a suggestion, Ron, but let's try leaving the verbal abuse
to the movie's numerous villains. |
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Quirrel:
Happy Halloween, kids. We're all gonna die! |
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Dumbledore:
The day you see me panic is the day the world as we know it ends. |
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Harry:
I think we better go save Hermione now, considering we'll probably owe
it to her four times by the end of the movie. |
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Troll:
I'm smart for a troll...I can attempt to hit small moving objects. |
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Harry:
Now I know that if I ever want to defeat a large stupid monster, I can
just stick my wand up its nose. |
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Ron:
...A situation made all the more humorous by odd British vocabulary. |
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McGonagall:
I take away points from you and give points to you two...can you tell I'm
an expert at fuzzy math? |
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~ HP ~
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Snape:
Hello, Potter. I'm not sure you can handle the intensity of this upcoming
CGI sequence. |
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Harry:
Me neither. I'm sure moping about it will make me feel better, though. |
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Oliver
Wood:
Don't worry...you'll be fine as long as you stay away from any large blunt
objects that can fracture your skull. |
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Lee
Jordan:
I'm not biased. Really, I'm not. |
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Marcus
Flint:
I cannot overemphasize how much I need braces. |
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Oliver
Wood:
Did you take a few bludgers too many to the jaw? |
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Marcus
Flint:
That's what I love about this game...you can knock the goalie unconscious
and still not get fouled. |
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Ron:
HEY HARRY! NO PRESSURE! |
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Snape:
Speaking of pressure, at least try to stay on. |
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Hermione:
Don't like geniuses, eh? Take this,
you epitomy of diabolical Britishness! |
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Snape:
Pity my toasted shins, fans of the original work! |
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Fans:
Sorry, too busy watching Gryffindor players drop like flies. |
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Harry:
My first-time aerobatic skills are even freaking out the Slytherin seeker. |
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Golden
Snitch:
What do I look like, a truffle?! |
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~ HP ~
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Harry:
Snape's out to get me. |
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Hermione:
I concur with Harry. And since I'm the resident genius, he's right. |
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Hagrid:
Do me a favor...next time you talk with me, please bring a roll of duct
tape so you can seal my mouth shut. |
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Harry:
We'll be back in about 20 minutes' screen time for more important information. |
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~ HP ~
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Hermione:
So...got any Christmas plans, Harry? |
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Harry:
None of them involve going home to my baby killer whale of a cousin, if
that's what you're wondering. |
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Ron:
Don't feel bad, Harry...I got left behind too, and I actually have a family. |
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Harry:
Amazing...I've actually gotten something besides oversized sweatpants for
Christmas! |
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Ron:
An invisibility cloak! And you're supposed to "use it well." |
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Harry:
Great, I've always wondered what the girls' dressing room looks like! |
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~ HP ~
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Harry:
This dark, empry library is way scarier than the girls' dressing room...and
then again, maybe not. |
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Book:
Oh, sorry! Was I not supposed to make any noise? |
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Filch:
Where's that kid so I can slowly and delightfully torture him? |
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Harry:
Agh, must escape the resident pedophile! |
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Snape:
Who dares to interrupt my diabolical Britishness?! |
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Quirrel:
Does anyone even bother to ask why he's yelling at me? |
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Harry:
Hey look, it's my parents. Also known as the presidents of Angstland in
this story. |
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Lily
Potter:
Can I stop smiling now? My cheek muscles are frozen. |
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Dumbledore:
Harry, give your parents a break. |
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Harry:
But it's sooooo beautifuuuul.... |
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Dumbledore:
That does it...I'm saving this mirror for the climax and I'm putting you
on the patch. |
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~ HP ~
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Hermione:
Nice adventures Harry, but I solved this mystery during some enjoyable
relaxation time. |
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Ron:
It's not fair...it's just not fair... |
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Harry:
Hi, Hagrid. We're back to subtley interrogate you again. |
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Fang:
This is all so very exciting. Think I'll drool some more. |
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Hagrid:
Kids, don't tell anyone about this dragon I'm hatching, since I'll probably
tell them myself. |
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Hermione:
Anatomically speaking, it looks more like a wyvern. |
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Malfoy:
Ha-ha, it is I...the Not-so-Golden Snitch! |
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McGonagall:
All of you get detention...including the little tattletale standing to
the left. |
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Harry:
But we were just advancing the plot! |
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McGonagall:
Now I suggest you go advance the plot somewhere where you can get killed. |
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~ HP ~
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Filch:
Being sent to eminent death...man, it's just not cruel enough. |
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Hagrid:
Aww, Norbert's gone...now I have to find a new snarling monster to cuddle. |
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Fang:
What, I'm not scary-looking enough? |
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Malfoy:
Pfpfpfpfpftt, I'm not scared...WAUUGH, WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!! |
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Dark
Creature:
I'm like a black rider without a horse or a sword! |
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Centaur:
And I look more like a monkey than a person. |
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~ HP ~
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Ron:
Well, You-Know-Who's still alive and at the school...guess you're screwed,
Harry. |
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Hermione:
Don't worry! As long as Dumbledore's here, you're safe from any evil nemeses. |
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Fans:
Which means he'll soon conveniently leave. |
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Hermione:
Finals are fun! Studying is enjoyable! |
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Ron:
You'd be the perfect teacher's pet if it wasn't for that irrepressible
nonconformist streak. |
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Hagrid:
You guys up for the last bit of important "secret" information? |
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Harry:
Lay it on us!...You haven't laid it on anyone else, have you? |
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Hagrid:
Maaaay-beeee... |
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McGonagall:
Wait...you figured all this stuff out and I somehow never knew this? |
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Harry:
Pretty much. Gotta run, the climax is starting! |
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Hermione:
It's a good thing the giant dog is asleep... |
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Fluffy:
Fooled ya, didn't I? |
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Ron:
For just once I'd like to escape into a room that doesn't contain
a large creature bent on killing us... |
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Hermione:
Chalk up another victory for the resident genius! |
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Harry:
Is it just me, or does it seem like every challenge we face somehow utilizes
each of our individual skills? |
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Ron:
Well, now we know there was a purpose to that miniature chess scene! |
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Hermione:
If I'm the resident genius, how come he's leading
the chess game? |
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Ron:
Pretty pleeeease don't kill me, Ms. Queen? |
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Queen:
Sure, you're young and innocent...but what the hey. |
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Ron:
Ack, I've been brutally beaten and knocked unconscious! |
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Hermione:
...But all you did was fall off the horse. |
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Harry:
Don't cheapen it! Besides, I need some excuse to face the archenemy by
myself. |
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Quirrel:
OOOH! Had all you first-time viewers fooled! |
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Fans:
Sorry, we were spoiled three months ago. |
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Quirrel:
Now you know why I haven't washed my hair in 11 years. |
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Harry:
Woah, hey, there's little kids in the audience, here! |
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Voldemort:
I am pure evil. But you should ignore that and join me anyway. |
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Harry:
Never! You killed my father! |
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Voldemort:
No, Harry. I AM YOUR....wait, wrong movie. |
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Harry:
Wow, it's the sorcerer's stone...how'd that get there? |
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Quirrel:
Don't worry, master! I'll stop him by imitating the Mummy! |
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Voldemort:
Why must all of my life assistants be either stuttering dimwits or sniveling
victims? |
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Harry:
'Cause the heroes already took all the intelligent sidekicks. |
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Voldemort:
Screw you! I'm going to rush through you as a cloud of evil spirit stuff! |
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Harry:
Not that that would knock me unconscious, but, you know... |
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~ HP ~
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Dumbledore:
Now that the climax is done, I'm going to clear up any plot misunderstandings
for the audience! |
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Fans:
Would you like the short or long list of plotholes? |
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Harry:
So...I'm free from evil nemeses from now on, right? |
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Dumbledore:
HAA! Pull the other one! |
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Ron:
Dang, you're awake...now I can't eat your chocolate! |
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Hermione:
We lost the house cup. Of course, knowing the nature of this movie, that'll
be rectified within the next five minutes or so. |
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Dumbledore:
Right you are, once again! |
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Harry:
So I guess these extra points make up for the ones we lost during detention. |
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Fans:
In other words, the only reward doing good gives is to balance out the
naughty you did along the way! |
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Malfoy:
Whereas being a snot doesn't really achieve anything. |
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Ron:
Alright, enough morality lessons for today...it's summer vacation! |
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Harry:
Um...yippie. |
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Ron:
Oh yeah...summer sucks for you. Well, don't have too much fun! |
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Harry:
Don't worry, I'm reeeeeally looking forward to that dusty cupboard. |
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J.K.
Rowling:
While you're there, can you look for my missing muse? It's been lost since
chapter 34 of "Goblet of Fire"... |
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