The Hand Puppet Movie Theatre Presents Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone The
Not-So-Golden Snitch |
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| Dumbledore: In the future, everyone will have cigarette lighters like these. |
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| McGonagall: I know all you fans are desperate for a good morph, but you'll have to settle for a sillhouette at the moment. |
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| Dumbledore: So what's wrong with Hagrid bringing the baby here? |
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| McGonagall: You mean besides the fact that he's prone to sitting on small living creatures? |
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| Hagrid: Check out my rather disruptive entrance! No, I don't need a haircut. |
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| Dumbledore: To avoid the complications of a celebrity childhood, let's have Harry grow up in an abusively snobbish family. |
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| McGonagall: Are you sure that's a good idea? |
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| Dumbledore: Trust me, this sort of thing breeds dramatic irony like you wouldn't believe. |
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~ HP ~
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| Harry: Well, guess it's just another day in my abusive life. Don't suppose anything *cough* magical can happen today... |
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| Dudley: You can imagine me elation when they asked me to play the part of a boy who is "roughly the size of a baby killer whale." |
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| Aunt
Petunia: There is nothing more frightening than a boy roughly the size of a baby killer whale throwing a temper tantrum. |
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| Uncle
Verne: Harry, don't make Dudley's birthday any worse than he will himself. |
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| Harry: Hello, snake. It must suck to be you. |
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| Snake: Just for future reference, kid, it's not good to be able to speak snake. |
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| Dudley: Hey mummy, let's have a contest to see who can freak out more! |
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| Uncle
Verne: It's all your fault Dudley's wet and freaked! |
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| Harry: Well, baby killer whales do need water... |
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~ HP ~
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| Harry: Wow, it's my first letter in forever! |
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| Uncle
Verne: What if that letter has anthrax? I better burn it for you. |
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| Owl
#1: So...you here delivering another Harry Potter letter? |
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| Owl
#2: No, I'm just here for the free owl chow. |
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| Harry: Somebody's flooding the house with letters...maybe they want me to read one. |
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| Uncle
Verne: NO! THEY ALL HAVE ANTHRAX! TRUST ME!! |
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| Dudley: I guess it's a good thing we own a random cottage on an island in the middle of nowhere. |
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| Harry: For my birthday, I wish a giant bearded guy would take me off on a grand adventure...wow, that was quick. |
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| Hagrid: Hope you guys have insurance on this place... |
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| Uncle
Verne: I can't believe it! There's someone on this planet that has more body fat than me! |
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| Hagrid: Hey Harry, ever done anything that could be contrewed as magical? |
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| Harry: Well, there was that snake thing, but I'm certain that has a scientific explanation. |
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| Hagrid: Would you rather go off on a grand adventure and see wondrous magicallyish things, or stay and watch doctors try to figure out Dudley's pig tail? |
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| Harry: Does the former include a dental plan? |
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~ HP ~
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| Harry: I'm still trying to figure out how we got from an island in the middle of nowhere to London... |
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| Hagrid: We've got to head over to this magical bank in order to compound the already oversized dramatic irony. |
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| Goblin
#1: We hate Harry. We hate everyone. And everything. |
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| Goblin
#2: And ATMs. We especially hate ATMs. |
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| Hagrid: See this little bag, Harry? It's called "foreshadowing." I suggest you get friendly with it. |
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| Harry: Most kids get a Playstation for their birthday...I get a wand that makes my hair poof out and a snobbish snowy owl. |
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| Hedwig: Someday they'll make pink plastic backpacks of me! |
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| Harry: So what's with this oh-look-it's-Harry-Potter thing? |
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| Hagrid: It basically involves an evil nemesis named He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named that you'll be fighting in one form or other at the climax of each movie. |
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| Fans: You're never too young for good solid angst! |
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| Fans: ...But you've got a few years before any bish-ness sets in. |
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| Hagrid: I'll just drop you off here with mysterious instructions and then randomly disappear. |
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| Harry: This is certainly less than helpful. |
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| George: Do we not have the coolest family ever? |
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| Fred: Just the red hair alone puts us in the Top 10. |
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| Harry: I don't suppose any of you could give a demonstration on how to run through a brick wall? |
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| Ron: Wow, I can feel the best friend vibes starting already. |
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| Harry: Check out this scar...it doubles as a controversial topic for fans of the original work. |
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| Ron: You may be more famous, but my British accent is way more authentic-sounding than yours. |
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| Hermione: I sound like a snot, but I'm actually the smartest of the trio. |
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| Ron: Too bad no one can pronounce your name. |
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| Scabbers: I am cute and cuddly...until the third book, that is. |
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~ HP ~
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| Harry: Explain this again...why do the freshmen have to take the boats? |
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| Hagrid: Smile big, kiddies...this is going to be on the movie poster! |
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| Malfoy: Hello, Harry. Unlike Hermione, I actually am a snot. |
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| Ron: So your pals' names are Crabbe and Goyle...are the other two called Dopey and Sneezy? |
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| Malfoy: You three better prepare yourselves for some heavy-duty verbal abuse! |
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| McGonagall: Save the bully/victim interraction for a less appropriate time, please. |
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| Sorting
Hat: I am an extra-disturbing type of freshmen initiation. |
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| Ron: Stop freaking, Hermione...the storyline decrees that we'll all end up in the same dorm. |
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| Sorting
Hat: HEY, EVERYONE! WANT TO FIND OUT WHAT HARRY POTTER IS THINKING?!? |
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| Dumbledore: By the way, Filch would like to remind you to stay away from certain places that cause eminent death. |
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| Fans: ...Which will all be visited by Harry by the end of the movie. |
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| Filch: I am so bitter, my cat won't even lick me. |
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| Ron: Wow, magic food...and it all tastes like chicken! |
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| Nearly-Headless-Nick: Don't mind my rather brief appearance. They didn't even bother to introduce Peeves. |
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| Fans: Well, we gotta have something fill up this "Titanic"-length movie. |
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| J.K.
Rowling: Just wait till you guys sit through 11 hours of "Goblet of Fire"... |
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~ HP ~
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| McGonagall: Alright, now you are allowed to observe the mad morphing skills. |
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| Harry: So what happens when we're late? |
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| Ron: I SUCK UP like it's my last day on earth! |
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| McGonagall: How sweet of you. Guess I'll refrain from turning you into sour movie critics for now. |
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| Snape: I'm so diabolically British it's almost sexy. |
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| Harry: Why do you hate me? |
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| Snape: Nonsense...I harbor no ill will towards any of my students. You accursed little worm. |
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| Malfoy: I have two facial expressions: smirk and smug smirk. |
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| Hermione: Notice me, I'm a genius! |
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| Snape: Sorry, but I hate geniuses too. If you want to get on my "good" side, try being a snobby rich guy's kid. |
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~ HP ~
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| Harry: I am desperate for mail...gimmie that tabloid! |
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| Harry: Uh oh...according to this article, the foreshadowing has compounded. |
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| Hermione: Don't tell me we're talking about the main plot already... |
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| Ron: Forget something, Neville? |
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| Neville: Oh yeah...I was supposed to tell J.K. Rowling to get her fat lazy butt in gear and finish the fifth book. |
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| J.K.
Rowling: This fat lazy butt ain't goin' nowhere until I get more coffee inspiration. |
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| Madame
Hooch: I'll be your coach, kids! And in case you're wondering; yes, I did drop my toaster in the bathtub this morning. |
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| Neville: It's just a little disturbing when you break your arm during the first practice. |
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| Malfoy: As head snot of this story, I decree it is time to reveal even more amazing and generally beneficial information about Harry's family! |
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| McGonagall: So...did I scare the crap out of you first-time viewers? |
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| Fans: Sorry, but only the sorting hat can pull that off. |
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| Oliver
Wood: Worship me; I am the only bishounen you will see for a loooooong time! |
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| Fans: If we were here for the bishounen, we'd be watching "Lord of the Rings" instead. |
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~ HP ~
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| Harry: Well darn, the stairs decided to switch on us. It's almost as if some wise omnipotent entity wants us to go into the forbidden area. |
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| J.K.
Rowling: Mmm...cappuchino and chocolate croissant... |
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| Filch: There's nothing I hate more than adventurous little wizard kids. Except maybe cleaning cursed toilets. |
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| Mrs.
Norris: I haven't bathed in eight years. |
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| Hermione: Next time, I'm picking the hiding spots. |
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| Ron: IT'S A SNARLING CERBERUS! WE MUST BE AT THE GATES OF HELL!!! |
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| Hermione: And everyone says I overreact... |
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~ HP ~
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| Flitwick: I'm either a really friendly goblin or a really ugly human. |
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| Ron: Stupid feather! Stupid stupid stupid *@#&% feather!! |
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| Hermione: Stop mistaking my brilliance for snobbery! |
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| Seamus: Something tells me this exploding thing is going to become a running joke... |
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| Ron: Hermione is a nightmare...think I'll marry her someday. |
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| Harry: This is just a suggestion, Ron, but let's try leaving the verbal abuse to the movie's numerous villains. |
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| Quirrel: Happy Halloween, kids. We're all gonna die! |
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| Dumbledore: The day you see me panic is the day the world as we know it ends. |
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| Harry: I think we better go save Hermione now, considering we'll probably owe it to her four times by the end of the movie. |
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| Troll: I'm smart for a troll...I can attempt to hit small moving objects. |
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| Harry: Now I know that if I ever want to defeat a large stupid monster, I can just stick my wand up its nose. |
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| Ron: ...A situation made all the more humorous by odd British vocabulary. |
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| McGonagall: I take away points from you and give points to you two...can you tell I'm an expert at fuzzy math? |
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~ HP ~
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| Snape: Hello, Potter. I'm not sure you can handle the intensity of this upcoming CGI sequence. |
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| Harry: Me neither. I'm sure moping about it will make me feel better, though. |
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| Oliver
Wood: Don't worry...you'll be fine as long as you stay away from any large blunt objects that can fracture your skull. |
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| Lee
Jordan: I'm not biased. Really, I'm not. |
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| Marcus
Flint: I cannot overemphasize how much I need braces. |
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| Oliver
Wood: Did you take a few bludgers too many to the jaw? |
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| Marcus
Flint: That's what I love about this game...you can knock the goalie unconscious and still not get fouled. |
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| Ron: HEY HARRY! NO PRESSURE! |
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| Snape: Speaking of pressure, at least try to stay on. |
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| Hermione: Don't like geniuses, eh? Take this, you epitomy of diabolical Britishness! |
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| Snape: Pity my toasted shins, fans of the original work! |
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| Fans: Sorry, too busy watching Gryffindor players drop like flies. |
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| Harry: My first-time aerobatic skills are even freaking out the Slytherin seeker. |
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| Golden
Snitch: What do I look like, a truffle?! |
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~ HP ~
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| Harry: Snape's out to get me. |
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| Hermione: I concur with Harry. And since I'm the resident genius, he's right. |
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| Hagrid: Do me a favor...next time you talk with me, please bring a roll of duct tape so you can seal my mouth shut. |
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| Harry: We'll be back in about 20 minutes' screen time for more important information. |
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~ HP ~
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| Hermione: So...got any Christmas plans, Harry? |
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| Harry: None of them involve going home to my baby killer whale of a cousin, if that's what you're wondering. |
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| Ron: Don't feel bad, Harry...I got left behind too, and I actually have a family. |
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| Harry: Amazing...I've actually gotten something besides oversized sweatpants for Christmas! |
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| Ron: An invisibility cloak! And you're supposed to "use it well." |
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| Harry: Great, I've always wondered what the girls' dressing room looks like! |
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~ HP ~
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| Harry: This dark, empry library is way scarier than the girls' dressing room...and then again, maybe not. |
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| Book: Oh, sorry! Was I not supposed to make any noise? |
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| Filch: Where's that kid so I can slowly and delightfully torture him? |
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| Harry: Agh, must escape the resident pedophile! |
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| Snape: Who dares to interrupt my diabolical Britishness?! |
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| Quirrel: Does anyone even bother to ask why he's yelling at me? |
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| Harry: Hey look, it's my parents. Also known as the presidents of Angstland in this story. |
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| Lily
Potter: Can I stop smiling now? My cheek muscles are frozen. |
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| Dumbledore: Harry, give your parents a break. |
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| Harry: But it's sooooo beautifuuuul.... |
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| Dumbledore: That does it...I'm saving this mirror for the climax and I'm putting you on the patch. |
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~ HP ~
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| Hermione: Nice adventures Harry, but I solved this mystery during some enjoyable relaxation time. |
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| Ron: It's not fair...it's just not fair... |
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| Harry: Hi, Hagrid. We're back to subtley interrogate you again. |
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| Fang: This is all so very exciting. Think I'll drool some more. |
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| Hagrid: Kids, don't tell anyone about this dragon I'm hatching, since I'll probably tell them myself. |
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| Hermione: Anatomically speaking, it looks more like a wyvern. |
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| Malfoy: Ha-ha, it is I...the Not-so-Golden Snitch! |
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| McGonagall: All of you get detention...including the little tattletale standing to the left. |
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| Harry: But we were just advancing the plot! |
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| McGonagall: Now I suggest you go advance the plot somewhere where you can get killed. |
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~ HP ~
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| Filch: Being sent to eminent death...man, it's just not cruel enough. |
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| Hagrid: Aww, Norbert's gone...now I have to find a new snarling monster to cuddle. |
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| Fang: What, I'm not scary-looking enough? |
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| Malfoy: Pfpfpfpfpftt, I'm not scared...WAUUGH, WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!! |
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| Dark
Creature: I'm like a black rider without a horse or a sword! |
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| Centaur: And I look more like a monkey than a person. |
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~ HP ~
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| Ron: Well, You-Know-Who's still alive and at the school...guess you're screwed, Harry. |
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| Hermione: Don't worry! As long as Dumbledore's here, you're safe from any evil nemeses. |
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| Fans: Which means he'll soon conveniently leave. |
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| Hermione: Finals are fun! Studying is enjoyable! |
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| Ron: You'd be the perfect teacher's pet if it wasn't for that irrepressible nonconformist streak. |
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| Hagrid: You guys up for the last bit of important "secret" information? |
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| Harry: Lay it on us!...You haven't laid it on anyone else, have you? |
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| Hagrid: Maaaay-beeee... |
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| McGonagall: Wait...you figured all this stuff out and I somehow never knew this? |
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| Harry: Pretty much. Gotta run, the climax is starting! |
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| Hermione: It's a good thing the giant dog is asleep... |
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| Fluffy: Fooled ya, didn't I? |
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| Ron: For just once I'd like to escape into a room that doesn't contain a large creature bent on killing us... |
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| Hermione: Chalk up another victory for the resident genius! |
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| Harry: Is it just me, or does it seem like every challenge we face somehow utilizes each of our individual skills? |
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| Ron: Well, now we know there was a purpose to that miniature chess scene! |
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| Hermione: If I'm the resident genius, how come he's leading the chess game? |
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| Ron: Pretty pleeeease don't kill me, Ms. Queen? |
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| Queen: Sure, you're young and innocent...but what the hey. |
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| Ron: Ack, I've been brutally beaten and knocked unconscious! |
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| Hermione: ...But all you did was fall off the horse. |
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| Harry: Don't cheapen it! Besides, I need some excuse to face the archenemy by myself. |
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| Quirrel: OOOH! Had all you first-time viewers fooled! |
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| Fans: Sorry, we were spoiled three months ago. |
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| Quirrel: Now you know why I haven't washed my hair in 11 years. |
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| Harry: Woah, hey, there's little kids in the audience, here! |
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| Voldemort: I am pure evil. But you should ignore that and join me anyway. |
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| Harry: Never! You killed my father! |
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| Voldemort: No, Harry. I AM YOUR....wait, wrong movie. |
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| Harry: Wow, it's the sorcerer's stone...how'd that get there? |
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| Quirrel: Don't worry, master! I'll stop him by imitating the Mummy! |
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| Voldemort: Why must all of my life assistants be either stuttering dimwits or sniveling victims? |
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| Harry: 'Cause the heroes already took all the intelligent sidekicks. |
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| Voldemort: Screw you! I'm going to rush through you as a cloud of evil spirit stuff! |
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| Harry: Not that that would knock me unconscious, but, you know... |
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~ HP ~
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| Dumbledore: Now that the climax is done, I'm going to clear up any plot misunderstandings for the audience! |
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| Fans: Would you like the short or long list of plotholes? |
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| Harry: So...I'm free from evil nemeses from now on, right? |
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| Dumbledore: HAA! Pull the other one! |
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| Ron: Dang, you're awake...now I can't eat your chocolate! |
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| Hermione: We lost the house cup. Of course, knowing the nature of this movie, that'll be rectified within the next five minutes or so. |
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| Dumbledore: Right you are, once again! |
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| Harry: So I guess these extra points make up for the ones we lost during detention. |
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| Fans: In other words, the only reward doing good gives is to balance out the naughty you did along the way! |
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| Malfoy: Whereas being a snot doesn't really achieve anything. |
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| Ron: Alright, enough morality lessons for today...it's summer vacation! |
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| Harry: Um...yippie. |
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| Ron: Oh yeah...summer sucks for you. Well, don't have too much fun! |
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| Harry: Don't worry, I'm reeeeeally looking forward to that dusty cupboard. |
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| J.K.
Rowling: While you're there, can you look for my missing muse? It's been lost since chapter 34 of "Goblet of Fire"... |
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