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Parodies > Hand Puppet Theater: Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets
The Hand
Puppet Movie Theatre Presents
Harry
Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Should
Have Used Duct Tape
By AG |
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Harry:
I know this is highly unusual for a kid to say, but why isn't it school
yet? |
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Uncle
Verne:
We don't want you here! But we don't want you at school, either! No, we're
not indecisive! Or are we?... |
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Dobby:
Ninety-nine house elves jumpin' on the bed! ...Er, hello. |
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Harry:
Aaack! There'a a CGI character in my room! |
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Dobby:
Dobby has come to warn Harry Potter that he should stay away from school
or I'll hurt him good. |
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Harry:
Now I know I'm
in trouble...the characters that speak in third person are always psychos. |
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Dobby:
It's not over until the fat lady can have her cake and eat it, too. |
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Uncle
Verne:
It's over, kid! |
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~ HP ~
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Harry:
You know if we were in America, Child Welfare would be on you in two seconds
flat. |
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Uncle
Verne:
This isn't child abuse. It's....dang. I'll think of the politically correct
term later. |
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Ron:
Hey, Harry! Don't worry, I've seen "Escape from Alcatraz," so
I've got this all worked out! |
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Harry:
Good thing I'm pretty much already packed. |
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Uncle
Verne:
You shall not escape! ...SPLAT. |
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Dudley:
Well, there go mum's prize rosebushes. |
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~ HP ~
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Harry:
Cool house! Looks like something you bought off of Disneyland. |
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Fred:
Maybe mom won't notice we've been breaking the rules of both family and
physics. |
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Mrs.
Weasley:
Guess what...I noticed! |
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Harry:
Dude, your family rocks, Ron. |
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Ron:
Didn't we already establish this? |
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Mrs.
Weasley:
Floo Powder is fast and convenient! But whatever you do, don't sneeze! |
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Ron:
Burn me up, Scottie! |
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Harry:
That was really, really frightening...oh hey, a mysterious artifact that
I shouldn't touch but will anyway. |
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Hand:
Wanna arm wrestle? |
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Harry:
Hagrid, what are you doing here? |
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Hagrid:
I'm uh...getting flesh-eating slug repellent. Yeah. |
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Harry:
...You're selling drugs, aren't you? |
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Hagrid:
Go play with Ron and Hermione, Harry. |
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Hermione:
Hey there, Harry. I see you still haven't caught up to puberty in the foot
race yet. |
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Gilderoy:
Worship me, fangirls! |
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Hermione:
*FANGIRL SQUEAL* |
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Ron:
Can somebody please gag me now? |
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Malfoy:
Fear me...I am slowly becoming more and more bish! |
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Lucius:
Someday son, you'll be almost as luscious as me. |
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Harry:
The animosity in this room is practically an air quality hazard. |
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Lucius:
Hermione, you suck because your parents are boring. Ron, you suck because
your family's on welfare. Harry, you suck because...I said so. |
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Harry:
Same to you, Mr. Malicious Sneer. |
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~ HP ~
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Mrs.
Weasley:
Better late than never! ...But in this case that might not be true. |
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Ron:
Ow. Who woulda thought walls would be so hard? |
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Hedwig:
I am flustered. Attend to me! |
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Harry:
Maybe we should go wait by the car. |
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Ron:
Maybe we should do the obviously more dangerous and immature thing and
steal my dad's flying car. |
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Harry:
Sounds great! Let's be sure and kill the transmission while we're at it! |
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Ron:
Hear that sound? It means a high-action comical moment is approaching. |
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Hedwig:
It's so comical, my eyes bug out like a cartoon! |
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Ron:
Harry, didn't I tell you to lock the passenger door? |
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Harry:
You put vaseline on your hands this morning on purpose, didn't you?! |
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Harry:
Yeah, the car can fly, but I'd say your mileage sucks. |
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Whomping
Willow:
Aack, something flew into my hair! Get it out, get it out!! |
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Car:
That's it, I've had it with you psychos! I'm off to live a life of rugged
individualism. |
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Ron:
Maybe nobody will notice us sneaking in.....what am I saying, of course they
will. |
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Filch:
BUS-TED! |
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Snape:
Way to mess with the minds of muggles, you morons. |
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Dumbledore:
Now Snape, be kind to the little heroes. They're the ones selling all the
action figures, here. |
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~ HP ~
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Hermione:
And it seems that once again, you two came up with an ultimately failure-bound
plan because I wasn't there. |
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Ron:
Relax...I'm sure insurance will pay for it. |
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Howler:
Insurance doesn't cover a car being attacked by a tree and running wild
in the woods, you twit! |
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Ron:
Hello, you've reached the town of Embarassment. Population: me. |
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Madame
Sprout:
Alright kids, today we're going to pull screaming dirt-babies out of pots
by their leaves! Be sure and take notes, 'cause this is actually relevant
to the plot. |
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Malfoy:
Aww, look at the cute...OW! Son of a witch... |
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Goyle:
I guess its bite is worse than its bark! Ha, get it? ...Okay, I'll shut
up now. |
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~ HP ~
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Gilderoy:
I'll be your Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher! Which means we'll be
using lots of pastel paints. |
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Harry:
I think I just felt my IQ drop a few points. |
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Hermione:
Can I be your student aid?... |
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Pixies:
Havoc! Chaos! Pandemonium! We're like little gremlins with wings! |
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Hermione:
Maybe I should just teach the class from now on. |
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~ HP ~
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Oliver
Wood:
Okay team, we're gonna fight fight fight! Give it our all! |
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Fans:
Sorry Wood, but you're too bish to be a jock. |
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Malfoy:
Snape gave me a rich note, so we can play and you can clear off. |
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Marcus
Flint:
If your dad can afford new brooms for the entire team, why can't he buy
braces for me? |
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Hermione:
Malfoy, you suck. |
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Malfoy:
Oh yeah? You're a dirty [EXPLEATIVE DELETED] |
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Ron:
I knew I
shouldn't have tried to cast a spell with a clear-taped wand! *BLARGH* |
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Harry:
Should have used duct tape...that fixes everything. |
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Hagrid:
Sucks to be Ron. |
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Hermione:
Damn the cruelty of seemingly innocent schoolage children! Damn it, I say! |
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Hagrid:
Malfoy's just a big bully. What he really needs is a friend. |
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Hermione:
..... |
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Hagrid:
Just kiddin'. You should trounce him next chance you get. |
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~ HP ~
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Gilderoy:
Aren't you just thrilled you're spending detention answering my fanmail,
Harry? |
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Harry:
I think I'd rather be cleaning the cursed toilets. |
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Scary
Voice:
Speaking of which...make sure you always flush! |
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Harry:
I'm officially freaked out now. |
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Ron:
Hey Harry, how was detention? ...Oh cool, frozen cat-on-a-stick! |
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Filch:
This is a DEAD CAT! |
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Harry:
No, she's just resting! |
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Dumbledore:
Filch, stop strangling little kids. Everyone, go home, hide under your
bed covers and hope no monsters get you in the dead of the night.
...Did I say 'dead?' |
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~ HP ~
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McGonagall:
Blah blah transfiguration blah blah I am completely calm and collected
blah blah. |
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Hermione:
McGonagall, can you explain the Chamber of Secrets? Not everyone here has
read the book. |
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McGonagall:
Once there were four wizards and a school and one was really mean and he
left a monster in the Chamber of Secrets so I guess it's not a
secret anymore the end. |
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Harry:
How do we figure this out? |
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Hermione:
Simple logic. Monster = Slytherin. Slytherin = bad guys. Bad guys = Malfoy. |
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Hermione:
Gee Hermione, I wish I was
as smart as you! |
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Hermione:
I know. Now come help me steal all kinds of highly illegal stuff so we
can make that special effects-happy potion. |
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~ HP ~
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Oliver
Wood:
Important game...must not get distracted...dang, I just can't get over
how stupid Marcus Flint looks! |
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Malfoy:
Ha, Harry is a stupid seeker! Hmm, what's that fluttering sound I keep
hearing right behind me? |
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Harry:
Since when did they start allowing heat-seeking bludgers? |
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Bludger:
Come back! I just want your autograph! |
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Harry:
I can't lose the Quidditch match! A plot twist that radical should be saved
for book three or four. |
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Bludger:
BOOM. |
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Ron:
Way to destroy the evidence, Hermione. |
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Gilderoy:
This is fixable! Just not by me! |
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Madame
Pomfrey:
Add me to the list of people that think Gilderoy's a moron. |
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Harry:
Can I vote twice? |
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~ HP ~
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Scary
Voice:
I'm still hungry! |
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Dobby:
How many times does Dobby have to kill Harry Potter before he gets the
message? |
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Harry:
I think I'll be
the one doing the killing now... |
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McGonagall:
Colin's been petrified...oh well, he annoyed the heck out of me, anyway. |
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Dumbledore:
Could you speak a little louder? We have to make sure Harry overhears all
this. |
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Harry:
The plot thickens! |
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Fans:
How incredibly cliche...why can't it ever thin out? |
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~ HP ~
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Harry:
I guess no matter what school I go to, the bathrooms will always resemble
a toxic landfill. |
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Ron:
...Then doesn't this whole polyjuice thing kinda equate us to smoking in
the bathroom? |
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Hermione:
Of course not. What do you think this is, some kind of story about morals? |
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J.K.
Rowling:
Wait...it's not? |
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Moaning
Myrtle:
Nobody likes me, everybody hates me... |
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Harry:
Creepy is as creepy does. |
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~ HP ~
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Gilderoy:
We have a dueling club now! Which basically means you kids can come and
beat the crap out of each other. |
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Snape:
Do you really want
me to demonstrate just how much of an imbusil you are? |
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Gilderoy:
Fire away, Snapey! |
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Snape:
Just for that, I'm making sure you crack a few ribs. |
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Harry:
Guess it's our turn...wow, I think I'm breathing symbolism. |
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Malfoy:
Sticks, stones, vacuums and brooms, send Harry flying across the room! |
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Harry:
Snakes, lizards, dirt and grass, force Malfoy to fall on his fat-- |
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Malfoy:
Speaking of snakes, say hello to Mr. Slithers! |
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Harry:
Parseltongue is easy to learn...you just make the same sound over and over
again. |
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Ron:
I don't think I've ever seen the entire school freak out that quickly. |
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Hermione:
Harry, this is bad. This is an issue that must be dealt with. |
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Fans:
...But not in this movie! |
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J.K.
Rowling:
Now you're catching on. |
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~ HP ~
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Harry:
Oh look, another victim! I really need to get over this tactile fixation
with dead things. |
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Filch:
Can I kill you now? |
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McGonagall:
Not today, Mr. Inferiority Complex. |
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Harry:
Am I going to be punished? |
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McGonagall:
Of course not...you were caught by the good guys. |
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Fawkes:
FWOOM. |
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Harry:
Great...they're gonna pin this on me, too. |
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Dumbledore:
Don't worry...he's not dead, he's just pinin'.
He's got lovely plumage. |
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Dumbledore:
By the way, do you have anything important to say? |
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Harry:
If I say no, does it count as character development? |
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~ HP ~
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Hermione:
So! Who's ready to go from pre-bish to post-pigout in three seconds flat? |
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Goyle:
Pigout?! We're there! THUD. |
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Harry:
My IQ's dropping again... |
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Ron:
You know what this polyjuice potion needs? A slice of lemon and one of
those little umbrellas. |
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Hermione:
How about a lot more flavor and a lot less hair? |
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Harry:
It's amazing this potion can fix height differences, but not voices. |
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J.K.
Rowling:
Continuity be damned; if it's magical, then just go with it! |
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Malfoy:
What's up with you two? You're being even more moronic than usual. |
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Harry:
I'd have to say that we absolutely suck at this pretending-to-be-Crabbe-and-Goyle
thing. |
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Malfoy:
Oh look, a temporary distraction! Dum doo dee doo... |
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Harry:
BOLT! |
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Ron:
BOLT! |
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Moaning
Myrtle:
Nice to see all that work was just a big waste of time. I twitter at your
misfortune! |
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Hermione:
One joke about coughing up furballs and it's Expelliarmus for
you! |
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J.K.
Rowling:
Sorry...I'm a sucker for cheesy jokes. |
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~ HP ~
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Ron:
Aw jeez, I am not mopping
this up! |
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Moaning
Myrtle:
I am not a basketball hoop, alright?! WHIMPERWHINEGRIPEMOAN. |
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Harry:
Cool, a blank-page book. I'll say aloud everything I'm writing, just in
case the audience is illiterate. |
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Tom
Riddle:
Learn caligraphy! But first let me take you on a three-decade tour. |
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Dumbledore:
Does any of this sound familiar, Harry? That's right, it's *parallelism!* |
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Hagrid:
Stop picking on me and my spider, you meanie! |
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Harry:
Um, that was a neat vision, but you didn't show me anything about the chamber
of secrets. |
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Tom
Riddle:
Yes I did! Didn't you see the giant spider?! |
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Harry:
So what, the Chamber of Secrets is an old box? That's lame. |
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Tom
Riddle:
No, it's not! It's...aw screw it, you'll just have to wait till the climax. |
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~ HP ~
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Oliver
Wood:
Time for us to kick Hufflepuff arse! |
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McGonagall:
'Fraid not. Game's been cancelled due to an extreme plot twist. |
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Harry:
Hermione! Say something! |
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Hermione:
..... |
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Ron:
Wow, I'm actually almost bordering on something resembling being angry
at Hagrid. |
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Hagrid:
It's not my fault, either! Crossbow? What crossbow? |
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Lucius:
I scoff at all you good guys! It just goes to show you that money (and
well-placed threats) conquer all. |
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Dumbledore:
Harry and Ron, I can see right through you...literally. |
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Cornelius
Fudge:
Sorry Hagrid, but we gotta take you to Azkaban. |
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Hagrid:
Hot diggity, I'm there! |
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Harry:
Well, he didn't put up much of a fuss. |
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The
Omnipotent Author of the Puppet Show:
Okay...I have to admit, nothing can outdo that "follow the butterflies" line. |
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Ron:
*SQUEAL OF DISGUST* |
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Fang:
Oh, for the love of...they're just CGI, you wusses! |
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Harry:
Is it just me, or are they getting progressively larger? |
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Aragog:
Hello there lunch- I mean friends. I know I'm scary, but the actual monster
is even scarier. |
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Harry:
Oh, that makes me feel so much
better. |
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Ron:
Harry, my "Danger, time to run away" radar is going haywire... |
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Aragog:
It's nice that you want to live, but I don't recall having agreed to that.
Suckers! |
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Car:
No, I will not stand
for this movie to turn into "Eight Legged Freaks!" |
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Ron:
You know what would be a great way to give all the kids in the audience
nightmares? |
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Harry:
If a giant spider suddenly crashed through your window? |
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Ron:
Right you are! CRASH. Dammit... |
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Fang:
I am never going
into the woods with you two again... |
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~ HP ~
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Ron:
Well, I guess we're safe for now. |
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McGonagall:
Nobody's safe! We're all gonna die! |
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Gilderoy:
Guess
it's time to abandon ship... Uh,
yeah, I'm your monster-slaying man! |
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Harry:
"
Her skeleton will lie in the chamber forever" ...I dunno about you,
but that sounds like a threat. |
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Ron:
Gilderoy, you gotta save my sister! I don't even want to think what kind
of Howler I'll get if I kill her, too. |
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Gilderoy:
Yeah well, sucks to be her. |
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Moaning
Myrtle:
You're trusting Gilderoy to
save her?! You guys are more stupid than I thought. |
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Harry:
Guess what, Gilderoy! You get a very special part in this! |
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Gilderoy:
What's that? |
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Harry:
The bait. |
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Gilderoy:
Taste divine retribution! ZAP. |
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Ron:
I think the irony is blocking the tunnel. |
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Harry:
Now that we've almost certainly made enough noise to wake the monster,
I'll go fight it alone! Again! |
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Ginny:
..... |
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Tom
Riddle:
Hi Harry. I'm a memory, but I'm also evil. Oooooh, PSYCH!! |
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Harry:
So am I going to have to end up fighting Voldemort in some dark underground
cavern every movie?! |
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Tom
Riddle:
Don't worry...in the third one it moves to the woods, and in the fourth
we're in a graveyard. |
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Fans:
Thanks for the spoilers, Blabby! |
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Tom
Riddle:
Sic 'em, boy! |
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Harry:
I feel so unequipped. |
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Basilisk:
Bite me, Fawkes! Wait, I didn't mean that literally! |
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Harry:
Oh hey, a sword! Too bad I absolutely SUCK at swordfighting. |
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Fans:
We can smell the symbolism from here. |
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Basilisk:
*GURGLE, SPLAT* |
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Tom
Riddle:
I laught at your vain attempts at heroism! ...Waitaminute, I'm exploding. |
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Fans:
Cool, it's bleeding ink. |
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Ginny:
Nooo, I'm too young for guilt! |
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Harry:
It's okay Fawkes, I'm going to a better place... |
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Fawkes:
I'm HEALING you, idiot. |
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Gilderoy:
Wow, we're all flying away on a pretty bird! |
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Ron:
Do you suppose Azkaban has a psycho ward? |
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~ HP ~
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Harry:
Hey, Dumbledore! Is it time for you to give this story's morality lesson? |
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Dumbledore:
Of course. Ahem: "If you face up to your fears with love, you will
surely conquer them." |
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Dumbledore:
Wait, that's the moral for the third movie. Wrong cue card... |
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Lucius:
I always knew you were an incompitent old geezer. |
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Harry:
Shove it, Blondie! You're the bad guy and you lost, so bleh. |
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Dobby:
Don't mind Dobby, Dobby's just bring this story full circle... |
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Harry:
Lose something, Lucius? |
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Lucius:
Are you insinuating something? *Wink wink* and you're right *hint hint.* |
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Dobby:
Dobby does the freedom dance! |
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Lucius:
That was my only servant, and I don't have the money to buy another! ...Oh
wait, yes I do. |
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Dobby:
Yay! Harry Potter has saved Dobby despite Dobby's numerous attempts on
Harry Potter's life! |
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Harry:
...Hey, good point. Gimmie my sock back! |
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~ HP ~
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Hermione:
I live! |
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Ron:
Gimmie a hug! ...Or not. |
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Hermione:
You actually pulled off a foolhardy plan without my intelligence? Luck
was smiling on you indeed. |
| |
|
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Dumbledore:
Harry killed the monster, everyone! Let's all be happy! |
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|
|
Malfoy:
I'm giddy. |
| |
|
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Hagrid:
I'm surprisingly bright and happy for a person just coming out of a place
where inhuman spectres suck out your soul. |
| |
|
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Harry:
It's time for a standing ovation! |
| |
|
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Harry:
Pssst...audience, that's your cue. |
| |
|
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Fans:
Sorry, we're too busy bugging the sanity out of J.K. Rowling. |
| |
|
|
J.K.
Rowling:
Patience is a virtue! The fifth book will be done sometime this decade,
okay?! |
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|
