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The Hand Puppet Movie Theatre Presents

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

Should Have Used Duct Tape
By AG
 
Harry:
I know this is highly unusual for a kid to say, but why isn't it school yet?
 
 
Uncle Verne:
We don't want you here! But we don't want you at school, either! No, we're not indecisive! Or are we?...
 
 
Dobby:
Ninety-nine house elves jumpin' on the bed! ...Er, hello.
 
 
Harry:
Aaack! There'a a CGI character in my room!
 
 
Dobby:
Dobby has come to warn Harry Potter that he should stay away from school or I'll hurt him good.
 
 
Harry:
Now I know I'm in trouble...the characters that speak in third person are always psychos.
 
 
Dobby:
It's not over until the fat lady can have her cake and eat it, too.
 
 
Uncle Verne:
It's over, kid!
 

~ HP ~

 
Harry:
You know if we were in America, Child Welfare would be on you in two seconds flat.
 
 
Uncle Verne:
This isn't child abuse. It's....dang. I'll think of the politically correct term later.
 
 
Ron:
Hey, Harry! Don't worry, I've seen "Escape from Alcatraz," so I've got this all worked out!
 
 
Harry:
Good thing I'm pretty much already packed.
 
 
Uncle Verne:
You shall not escape! ...SPLAT.
 
 
Dudley:
Well, there go mum's prize rosebushes.
 

~ HP ~

 
Harry:
Cool house! Looks like something you bought off of Disneyland.
 
 
Fred:
Maybe mom won't notice we've been breaking the rules of both family and physics.
 
 
Mrs. Weasley:
Guess what...I noticed!
 
 
Harry:
Dude, your family rocks, Ron.
 
 
Ron:
Didn't we already establish this?
 
 
Mrs. Weasley:
Floo Powder is fast and convenient! But whatever you do, don't sneeze!
 
 
Ron:
Burn me up, Scottie!
 
 
Harry:
That was really, really frightening...oh hey, a mysterious artifact that I shouldn't touch but will anyway.
 
 
Hand:
Wanna arm wrestle?
 
 
Harry:
Hagrid, what are you doing here?
 
 
Hagrid:
I'm uh...getting flesh-eating slug repellent. Yeah.
 
 
Harry:
...You're selling drugs, aren't you?
 
 
Hagrid:
Go play with Ron and Hermione, Harry.
 
 
Hermione:
Hey there, Harry. I see you still haven't caught up to puberty in the foot race yet.
 
 
Gilderoy:
Worship me, fangirls!
 
 
Hermione:
*FANGIRL SQUEAL*
 
 
Ron:
Can somebody please gag me now?
 
 
Malfoy:
Fear me...I am slowly becoming more and more bish!
 
 
Lucius:
Someday son, you'll be almost as luscious as me.
 
 
Harry:
The animosity in this room is practically an air quality hazard.
 
 
Lucius:
Hermione, you suck because your parents are boring. Ron, you suck because your family's on welfare. Harry, you suck because...I said so.
 
 
Harry:
Same to you, Mr. Malicious Sneer.
 

~ HP ~

 
Mrs. Weasley:
Better late than never! ...But in this case that might not be true.
 
 
Ron:
Ow. Who woulda thought walls would be so hard?
 
 
Hedwig:
I am flustered. Attend to me!
 
 
Harry:
Maybe we should go wait by the car.
 
 
Ron:
Maybe we should do the obviously more dangerous and immature thing and steal my dad's flying car.
 
 
Harry:
Sounds great! Let's be sure and kill the transmission while we're at it!
 
 
Ron:
Hear that sound? It means a high-action comical moment is approaching.
 
 
Hedwig:
It's so comical, my eyes bug out like a cartoon!
 
 
Ron:
Harry, didn't I tell you to lock the passenger door?
 
 
Harry:
You put vaseline on your hands this morning on purpose, didn't you?!
 
 
Harry:
Yeah, the car can fly, but I'd say your mileage sucks.
 
 
Whomping Willow:
Aack, something flew into my hair! Get it out, get it out!!
 
 
Car:
That's it, I've had it with you psychos! I'm off to live a life of rugged individualism.
 
 
Ron:
Maybe nobody will notice us sneaking in.....what am I saying, of course they will.
 
 
Filch:
BUS-TED!
 
 
Snape:
Way to mess with the minds of muggles, you morons.
 
 
Dumbledore:
Now Snape, be kind to the little heroes. They're the ones selling all the action figures, here.
 

~ HP ~

 
Hermione:
And it seems that once again, you two came up with an ultimately failure-bound plan because I wasn't there.
 
 
Ron:
Relax...I'm sure insurance will pay for it.
 
 
Howler:
Insurance doesn't cover a car being attacked by a tree and running wild in the woods, you twit!
 
 
Ron:
Hello, you've reached the town of Embarassment. Population: me.
 
 
Madame Sprout:
Alright kids, today we're going to pull screaming dirt-babies out of pots by their leaves! Be sure and take notes, 'cause this is actually relevant to the plot.
 
 
Malfoy:
Aww, look at the cute...OW! Son of a witch...
 
 
Goyle:
I guess its bite is worse than its bark! Ha, get it? ...Okay, I'll shut up now.
 

~ HP ~

 
Gilderoy:
I'll be your Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher! Which means we'll be using lots of pastel paints.
 
 
Harry:
I think I just felt my IQ drop a few points.
 
 
Hermione:
Can I be your student aid?...
 
 
Pixies:
Havoc! Chaos! Pandemonium! We're like little gremlins with wings!
 
 
Hermione:
Maybe I should just teach the class from now on.
 

~ HP ~

 
Oliver Wood:
Okay team, we're gonna fight fight fight! Give it our all!
 
 
Fans:
Sorry Wood, but you're too bish to be a jock.
 
 
Malfoy:
Snape gave me a rich note, so we can play and you can clear off.
 
 
Marcus Flint:
If your dad can afford new brooms for the entire team, why can't he buy braces for me?
 
 
Hermione:
Malfoy, you suck.
 
 
Malfoy:
Oh yeah? You're a dirty [EXPLEATIVE DELETED]
 
 
Ron:
I knew I shouldn't have tried to cast a spell with a clear-taped wand! *BLARGH*
 
 
Harry:
Should have used duct tape...that fixes everything.
 
 
Hagrid:
Sucks to be Ron.
 
 
Hermione:
Damn the cruelty of seemingly innocent schoolage children! Damn it, I say!
 
 
Hagrid:
Malfoy's just a big bully. What he really needs is a friend.
 
 
Hermione:
.....
 
 
Hagrid:
Just kiddin'. You should trounce him next chance you get.
 

~ HP ~

 
Gilderoy:
Aren't you just thrilled you're spending detention answering my fanmail, Harry?
 
 
Harry:
I think I'd rather be cleaning the cursed toilets.
 
 
Scary Voice:
Speaking of which...make sure you always flush!
 
 
Harry:
I'm officially freaked out now.
 
 
Ron:
Hey Harry, how was detention? ...Oh cool, frozen cat-on-a-stick!
 
 
Filch:
This is a DEAD CAT!
 
 
Harry:
No, she's just resting!
 
 
Dumbledore:
Filch, stop strangling little kids. Everyone, go home, hide under your bed covers and hope no monsters get you in the dead of the night. ...Did I say 'dead?'
 

~ HP ~

 
McGonagall:
Blah blah transfiguration blah blah I am completely calm and collected blah blah.
 
 
Hermione:
McGonagall, can you explain the Chamber of Secrets? Not everyone here has read the book.
 
 
McGonagall:
Once there were four wizards and a school and one was really mean and he left a monster in the Chamber of Secrets so I guess it's not a secret anymore the end.
 
 
Harry:
How do we figure this out?
 
 
Hermione:
Simple logic. Monster = Slytherin. Slytherin = bad guys. Bad guys = Malfoy.
 
 
Hermione:
Gee Hermione, I wish I was as smart as you!
 
 
Hermione:
I know. Now come help me steal all kinds of highly illegal stuff so we can make that special effects-happy potion.
 

~ HP ~

 
Oliver Wood:
Important game...must not get distracted...dang, I just can't get over how stupid Marcus Flint looks!
 
 
Malfoy:
Ha, Harry is a stupid seeker! Hmm, what's that fluttering sound I keep hearing right behind me?
 
 
Harry:
Since when did they start allowing heat-seeking bludgers?
 
 
Bludger:
Come back! I just want your autograph!
 
 
Harry:
I can't lose the Quidditch match! A plot twist that radical should be saved for book three or four.
 
 
Bludger:
BOOM.
 
 
Ron:
Way to destroy the evidence, Hermione.
 
 
Gilderoy:
This is fixable! Just not by me!
 
 
Madame Pomfrey:
Add me to the list of people that think Gilderoy's a moron.
 
 
Harry:
Can I vote twice?
 

~ HP ~

 
Scary Voice:
I'm still hungry!
 
 
Dobby:
How many times does Dobby have to kill Harry Potter before he gets the message?
 
 
Harry:
I think I'll be the one doing the killing now...
 
 
McGonagall:
Colin's been petrified...oh well, he annoyed the heck out of me, anyway.
 
 
Dumbledore:
Could you speak a little louder? We have to make sure Harry overhears all this.
 
 
Harry:
The plot thickens!
 
 
Fans:
How incredibly cliche...why can't it ever thin out?
 

~ HP ~

 
Harry:
I guess no matter what school I go to, the bathrooms will always resemble a toxic landfill.
 
 
Ron:
...Then doesn't this whole polyjuice thing kinda equate us to smoking in the bathroom?
 
 
Hermione:
Of course not. What do you think this is, some kind of story about morals?
 
 
J.K. Rowling:
Wait...it's not?
 
 
Moaning Myrtle:
Nobody likes me, everybody hates me...
 
 
Harry:
Creepy is as creepy does.
 

~ HP ~

 
Gilderoy:
We have a dueling club now! Which basically means you kids can come and beat the crap out of each other.
 
 
Snape:
Do you really want me to demonstrate just how much of an imbusil you are?
 
 
Gilderoy:
Fire away, Snapey!
 
 
Snape:
Just for that, I'm making sure you crack a few ribs.
 
 
Harry:
Guess it's our turn...wow, I think I'm breathing symbolism.
 
 
Malfoy:
Sticks, stones, vacuums and brooms, send Harry flying across the room!
 
 
Harry:
Snakes, lizards, dirt and grass, force Malfoy to fall on his fat--
 
 
Malfoy:
Speaking of snakes, say hello to Mr. Slithers!
 
 
Harry:
Parseltongue is easy to learn...you just make the same sound over and over again.
 
 
Ron:
I don't think I've ever seen the entire school freak out that quickly.
 
 
Hermione:
Harry, this is bad. This is an issue that must be dealt with.
 
 
Fans:
...But not in this movie!
 
 
J.K. Rowling:
Now you're catching on.
 

~ HP ~

 
Harry:
Oh look, another victim! I really need to get over this tactile fixation with dead things.
 
 
Filch:
Can I kill you now?
 
 
McGonagall:
Not today, Mr. Inferiority Complex.
 
 
Harry:
Am I going to be punished?
 
 
McGonagall:
Of course not...you were caught by the good guys.
 
 
Fawkes:
FWOOM.
 
 
Harry:
Great...they're gonna pin this on me, too.
 
 
Dumbledore:
Don't worry...he's not dead, he's just pinin'.
He's got lovely plumage.
 
 
Dumbledore:
By the way, do you have anything important to say?
 
 
Harry:
If I say no, does it count as character development?
 

~ HP ~

 
Hermione:
So! Who's ready to go from pre-bish to post-pigout in three seconds flat?
 
 
Goyle:
Pigout?! We're there! THUD.
 
 
Harry:
My IQ's dropping again...
 
 
Ron:
You know what this polyjuice potion needs? A slice of lemon and one of those little umbrellas.
 
 
Hermione:
How about a lot more flavor and a lot less hair?
 
 
Harry:
It's amazing this potion can fix height differences, but not voices.
 
 
J.K. Rowling:
Continuity be damned; if it's magical, then just go with it!
 
 
Malfoy:
What's up with you two? You're being even more moronic than usual.
 
 
Harry:
I'd have to say that we absolutely suck at this pretending-to-be-Crabbe-and-Goyle thing.
 
 
Malfoy:
Oh look, a temporary distraction! Dum doo dee doo...
 
 
Harry:
BOLT!
 
 
Ron:
BOLT!
 
 
Moaning Myrtle:
Nice to see all that work was just a big waste of time. I twitter at your misfortune!
 
 
Hermione:
One joke about coughing up furballs and it's Expelliarmus for you!
 
 
J.K. Rowling:
Sorry...I'm a sucker for cheesy jokes.
 

~ HP ~

 
Ron:
Aw jeez, I am not mopping this up!
 
 
Moaning Myrtle:
I am not a basketball hoop, alright?! WHIMPERWHINEGRIPEMOAN.
 
 
Harry:
Cool, a blank-page book. I'll say aloud everything I'm writing, just in case the audience is illiterate.
 
 
Tom Riddle:
Learn caligraphy! But first let me take you on a three-decade tour.
 
 
Dumbledore:
Does any of this sound familiar, Harry? That's right, it's *parallelism!*
 
 
Hagrid:
Stop picking on me and my spider, you meanie!
 
 
Harry:
Um, that was a neat vision, but you didn't show me anything about the chamber of secrets.
 
 
Tom Riddle:
Yes I did! Didn't you see the giant spider?!
 
 
Harry:
So what, the Chamber of Secrets is an old box? That's lame.
 
 
Tom Riddle:
No, it's not! It's...aw screw it, you'll just have to wait till the climax.
 

~ HP ~

 
Oliver Wood:
Time for us to kick Hufflepuff arse!
 
 
McGonagall:
'Fraid not. Game's been cancelled due to an extreme plot twist.
 
 
Harry:
Hermione! Say something!
 
 
Hermione:
.....
 
 
Ron:
Wow, I'm actually almost bordering on something resembling being angry at Hagrid.
 
 
Hagrid:
It's not my fault, either! Crossbow? What crossbow?
 
 
Lucius:
I scoff at all you good guys! It just goes to show you that money (and well-placed threats) conquer all.
 
 
Dumbledore:
Harry and Ron, I can see right through you...literally.
 
 
Cornelius Fudge:
Sorry Hagrid, but we gotta take you to Azkaban.
 
 
Hagrid:
Hot diggity, I'm there!
 
 
Harry:
Well, he didn't put up much of a fuss.
 
 
The Omnipotent Author of the Puppet Show:
Okay...I have to admit, nothing can outdo that "follow the butterflies" line.
 
 
Ron:
*SQUEAL OF DISGUST*
 
 
Fang:
Oh, for the love of...they're just CGI, you wusses!
 
 
Harry:
Is it just me, or are they getting progressively larger?
 
 
Aragog:
Hello there lunch- I mean friends. I know I'm scary, but the actual monster is even scarier.
 
 
Harry:
Oh, that makes me feel so much better.
 
 
Ron:
Harry, my "Danger, time to run away" radar is going haywire...
 
 
Aragog:
It's nice that you want to live, but I don't recall having agreed to that. Suckers!
 
 
Car:
No, I will not stand for this movie to turn into "Eight Legged Freaks!"
 
 
Ron:
You know what would be a great way to give all the kids in the audience nightmares?
 
 
Harry:
If a giant spider suddenly crashed through your window?
 
 
Ron:
Right you are! CRASH. Dammit...
 
 
Fang:
I am never going into the woods with you two again...
 

~ HP ~

 
Ron:
Well, I guess we're safe for now.
 
 
McGonagall:
Nobody's safe! We're all gonna die!
 
 
Gilderoy:
Guess it's time to abandon ship... Uh, yeah, I'm your monster-slaying man!
 
 
Harry:
" Her skeleton will lie in the chamber forever" ...I dunno about you, but that sounds like a threat.
 
 
Ron:
Gilderoy, you gotta save my sister! I don't even want to think what kind of Howler I'll get if I kill her, too.
 
 
Gilderoy:
Yeah well, sucks to be her.
 
 
Moaning Myrtle:
You're trusting Gilderoy to save her?! You guys are more stupid than I thought.
 
 
Harry:
Guess what, Gilderoy! You get a very special part in this!
 
 
Gilderoy:
What's that?
 
 
Harry:
The bait.
 
 
Gilderoy:
Taste divine retribution! ZAP.
 
 
Ron:
I think the irony is blocking the tunnel.
 
 
Harry:
Now that we've almost certainly made enough noise to wake the monster, I'll go fight it alone! Again!
 
 
Ginny:
.....
 
 
Tom Riddle:
Hi Harry. I'm a memory, but I'm also evil. Oooooh, PSYCH!!
 
 
Harry:
So am I going to have to end up fighting Voldemort in some dark underground cavern every movie?!
 
 
Tom Riddle:
Don't worry...in the third one it moves to the woods, and in the fourth we're in a graveyard.
 
 
Fans:
Thanks for the spoilers, Blabby!
 
 
Tom Riddle:
Sic 'em, boy!
 
 
Harry:
I feel so unequipped.
 
 
Basilisk:
Bite me, Fawkes! Wait, I didn't mean that literally!
 
 
Harry:
Oh hey, a sword! Too bad I absolutely SUCK at swordfighting.
 
 
Fans:
We can smell the symbolism from here.
 
 
Basilisk:
*GURGLE, SPLAT*
 
 
Tom Riddle:
I laught at your vain attempts at heroism! ...Waitaminute, I'm exploding.
 
 
Fans:
Cool, it's bleeding ink.
 
 
Ginny:
Nooo, I'm too young for guilt!
 
 
Harry:
It's okay Fawkes, I'm going to a better place...
 
 
Fawkes:
I'm HEALING you, idiot.
 
 
Gilderoy:
Wow, we're all flying away on a pretty bird!
 
 
Ron:
Do you suppose Azkaban has a psycho ward?
 

~ HP ~

 
Harry:
Hey, Dumbledore! Is it time for you to give this story's morality lesson?
 
 
Dumbledore:
Of course. Ahem: "If you face up to your fears with love, you will surely conquer them."
 
 
Dumbledore:
Wait, that's the moral for the third movie. Wrong cue card...
 
 
Lucius:
I always knew you were an incompitent old geezer.
 
 
Harry:
Shove it, Blondie! You're the bad guy and you lost, so bleh.
 
 
Dobby:
Don't mind Dobby, Dobby's just bring this story full circle...
 
 
Harry:
Lose something, Lucius?
 
 
Lucius:
Are you insinuating something? *Wink wink* and you're right *hint hint.*
 
 
Dobby:
Dobby does the freedom dance!
 
 
Lucius:
That was my only servant, and I don't have the money to buy another! ...Oh wait, yes I do.
 
 
Dobby:
Yay! Harry Potter has saved Dobby despite Dobby's numerous attempts on Harry Potter's life!
 
 
Harry:
...Hey, good point. Gimmie my sock back!
 

~ HP ~

 
Hermione:
I live!
 
 
Ron:
Gimmie a hug! ...Or not.
 
 
Hermione:
You actually pulled off a foolhardy plan without my intelligence? Luck was smiling on you indeed.
 
 
Dumbledore:
Harry killed the monster, everyone! Let's all be happy!
 
 
Malfoy:
I'm giddy.
 
 
Hagrid:
I'm surprisingly bright and happy for a person just coming out of a place where inhuman spectres suck out your soul.
 
 
Harry:
It's time for a standing ovation!
 
 
Harry:
Pssst...audience, that's your cue.
 
 
Fans:
Sorry, we're too busy bugging the sanity out of J.K. Rowling.
 
 
J.K. Rowling:
Patience is a virtue! The fifth book will be done sometime this decade, okay?!