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Parodies > Hand Puppet Theater: Harry Potter and The Prisoner of Azkaban
The Hand
Puppet Movie Theatre Presents
Harry
Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Sudden
Urge to Drive a DeLorien
By AG |
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Harry:
Here I am, playing with my wand under the covers...nope, nooo sexual innuendo
here. |
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Uncle
Vernon:
At least this constant running up and down stairs is burning calories. |
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Aunt
Marge:
Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse than the Dursleys... |
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Aunt
Petunia:
Wow, even I find
her irritating. |
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Aunt
Marge:
Shut up and do dishes while I insult your parents! |
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Harry:
Ha, can't do dishes if I break them all. |
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Aunt
Marge:
Y tu Mama tambien! |
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Aunt
Marge:
*EXPLODE* |
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Aunt
Petunia:
Coincidentally, why did we leave the door open? |
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Dudley:
Bye Auntie Balloonface...oh look, television! |
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~ HP ~
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Harry:
Screw having a roof over my head; I'm outta here. |
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Uncle
Vernon:
...I think I'm going to suffocate on teenage angst. |
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Harry:
Wow...suddenly swingsets are really creepy... |
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Black
Dog:
Can I have a biscuit? |
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Knight
Bus:
*ILLEGALLY PARKED* |
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Conductor:
I'll give you a lift if you give me some Zit-Be-Gone. |
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Shrunken
Head:
Running humorous commentary provided by your friendly neighborhood racial
profiling example! |
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Harry:
Dude, tell your newspaper to stop screaming at me. |
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Conductor:
FEAR the foreshadowing! And whenever the driver runs red lights. |
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~ HP ~
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Harry:
Wow, my own personal Igor. |
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Cornelius
Fudge:
Actually, he's mine. Be glad you just got off with a slap on the wrist. |
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Harry:
What's this about impending danger? |
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Cornelius
Fudge:
Ohhh, nothing. Just a little governmental cover-up. |
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Ron & Hermione:
BICKERBANTERARGUE |
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Harry:
Yay, I'm no longer surrounded by creepy adults! |
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Mrs.
Weasley:
*HUGSANDKISSES* |
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Harry:
...I stand corrected. |
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Mr.
Weasley:
Surprise, you're in terrible, life-threatening peril! |
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Harry:
What, again? |
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~ HP ~
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Mrs.
Weasley:
Ron, don't forget to bring the unexpected villain! |
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Harry:
Alright, time for some quick exposition. |
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Ron:
Why do I have the feeling I should start practicing my scared squeaky voice
now? |
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Train:
*SUB-ZERO* |
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Dementor:
Excuse me, but we need to stamp your ticket. |
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Harry:
Arrgh, my face is caught in motion blur! |
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Lupin:
Psh, I don't even need to say 'Patronus' to make one. |
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Harry:
So what was that? |
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Lupin:
Part flukeman, part ringwraith...but we call them Dementors. |
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Harry:
Depression + hangover = really not good. |
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Lupin:
Chocolate fixes everything. |
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~ HP ~
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Thestrals:
Lalala, pulling the carriages...oh wait, you don't see us until book 5.
Um...we're not here. |
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Toads:
It's the amazing singing toad chorus! |
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Dumbledore:
Now that I've gone hippie on you all, it's time for traditional introductions
and warnings of imminent death. |
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Malfoy:
Huzzah, I've suddenly tripled in bishiness! |
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Dumbledore:
And the moral of this story is: buy nightlights. |
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Ron:
Ever get whiplash just from walking upstairs? |
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Fat
Lady:
It's not over until I sing! |
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Harry:
Speaking of singing...animal crackers in my soup... |
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Fans:
Since when is a train an animal? |
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~ HP ~
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Trelawny:
All this incense has made me loopy! Woooheefiggledeeblaaa... |
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Hermione:
Does your inner eye need gargantu-focals, too? |
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Ron:
GAHH, that foreshadowing caught me off-guard! |
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Trelawny:
AHH, there's a dog hair...I mean dog in your cup! |
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Harry:
Actually, if you turn it sideways it kinda looks like Eisenhower... |
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~ HP ~
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Hermione:
I'm only irritable because I'm double-majoring! |
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Hagrid:
Yay, big scary monsters that can take off your limbs! Aren't you all excited? |
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Ron:
...Wait, you weren't talking about the textbook? |
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Buckbeak:
Diminishing the ferret population since 1992! |
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Harry:
Dang, I hate involuntary volunteering. |
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Buckbeak:
Hmm, you smell like the protagonist...okay, me likes. |
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Hagrid:
Riding bareback is the best way to learn! |
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Harry:
I can flyyyy like an eagle... |
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Buckbeak:
You mean hippogriff. And that's 53 ferrets for a round trip. |
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Harry:
But I never got my peanuts and soda... |
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Malfoy:
I wanna fly with the inspirational score, too! |
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Buckbeak:
I dropkick you, racial supremacist foo'! |
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Malfoy:
Now switching to crybaby mode... |
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~ HP ~
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Lupin:
Lesson One: swing music makes everything cool. |
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Fans:
Even that extremely un-bishy mustache of yours? |
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Lupin:
...Well, almost everything. |
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Snape!Boggart:
Does this dress make me look fat? |
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Harry:
I don't see how a clown is any less scary
than a snake. |
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Dementor!Boggart:
Fear my, um...fake scariness! |
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Lupin:
Hold up, this scene needs a bit more foreshadowing. |
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Moon!Boggart:
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie... |
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Harry:
Curse the infernal unsigned permission slip! |
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McGonagall:
Hey, at least you don't have to write through three sheets... |
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Lupin:
It's okay, I forgot to get mine signed, too. |
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Harry:
You're pretty cool, at least for someone who isn't a fangirl-pleaser. |
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Lupin:
You had cool parents. They gave me chocolate. |
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~ HP ~
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Snape:
In my opinion, defense against the dark arts should be taught in the dark. |
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Hermione:
What, the honorable Severus Snape is reduced to slide projectors? |
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Snape:
It's homework and implanting distrust rolled into one! Man, I love this
job. |
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Malfoy:
What's even cooler is origami and flipbooks in one. |
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Fans:
...Anyone else suddenly disturbed that Malfoy has an interest in Japanese
paper folding? |
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Ron:
It's hardcore British sports fandom at its best! |
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Harry:
Not that we get to see any of it. |
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Golden
Snitch:
Follow me to the land of foreshadowing! |
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Black
Dog:
Have you hugged your ill omen today? |
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Dementor:
Give a kiss to Auntie Dementy! |
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Harry:
Horrendously bad breath...losing consciousness... *PLUMMET* |
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Hermione:
Something tells me the director really likes blackouts. |
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~ HP ~
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Ron:
As if losing a Quidditch match isn't shock enough, your broom went firewood
on our butts. |
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Harry:
...My life is over. |
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Lupin:
Sucks to be your broom. And me, but you don't know that yet. |
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Harry:
ANGSTWHINEWONDERANGST |
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Lupin:
I can smell the hormones boiling from here. |
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Harry:
Uh oh, it looks like somebody couldn't take anymore of the Photoshop-filter
paintings! |
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Fat
Lady:
Sirius Black said my singing sucked! |
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Dumbledore:
So why are you hiding behind the hippo? |
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Fat
Lady:
Because I just got out of the shower! |
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~ HP ~
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Harry:
Psh, why didn't I try this invisibility cloak trick when it wasn't snowing? |
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Fred/George:
We're so humorously mischevious, we make people laugh just by finishing
each others' sentences! |
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Harry:
Sweet! But who're these four guys that made the map? |
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Fred/George:
Umm, off to Hogsmeade with you! |
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Fans:
Dammit, that was the exposition we actually wanted! |
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Harry:
Oh hey, free lollipop. *YOINK* |
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Hermione:
Talk about your fixer-upper. |
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Ron:
Yeah...wait, what's that supposed
to mean? |
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Malfoy:
My family's so rich that we buy
one-ended Q-tips. Nyeah. |
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Harry:
Sneak attack! |
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Malfoy:
Ahh, my dignity! Run away! |
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Hermione:
Thanks for, er...saving us. Weirdo. |
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Harry:
Somebody mentioned by name! Urge to act recklessly...rising... |
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Madame
Rosemerta:
I guess nobody expects the Spanish inquisition. |
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Cornelius
Fudge:
What's with all this exposition? |
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McGonagall:
It's just an unfortunate side effect with novels-turned-movies. Blahblah
Siriustraitor blah Pettigrewdead blahyak IsThisPissingYouOffHarry? |
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Harry:
Dang it all, why won't my world stop shattering? |
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Hermione:
I sense feelings of agression. |
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Harry:
Gimmie back my blankie. |
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~ HP ~
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Lupin:
As you can see, they had a discount on floating gold balls and spinal chord
candles at Costco. |
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Harry:
And chocolate too, I suppose? |
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Lupin:
Think of the happiest thiiiiiings...it's the same as having wiiiiiings... |
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Harry:
If only the floor would stop being so darn hard... |
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Lupin:
Wow, success on your second try. If I didn't know better, that'd look like
foreshadowing to me. |
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Ron:
Your stupid cat ate the unexpected villain again! |
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Hermione:
Why do I have the feeling the shippers are turning this into fanfic fodder? |
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Hagrid:
Watch how far I can chuck this big ugly rock. I named it Cornelius Fudge. |
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Hermione:
The animal rights activist in me is screaming bloody murder. |
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~ HP ~
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Ron:
Ahh, the spiders...they make me say funny things in my sleep... |
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Harry:
"
Peter Pettigrew?" What's this, a walking typo? |
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Scabbers:
Actually, a scampering typo. Neener neener, can't catch me! |
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Harry:
I feel like I'm using an ancient copy of Windows Me. |
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Snape:
In that case, allow me to kill it for you. |
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Marauder's
Map:
You suck, pansypants! |
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Lupin:
Wow, this brings back memories...I mean, step into my office, young man! |
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Harry:
So do I get more chocolate? |
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Lupin:
No, you get a chewing-out. Don't do stupid things already! |
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Harry:
Whatever. And your dumb Thomas guide is busted. |
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Lupin:
...Methinks I am alarmed. |
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~ HP ~
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Trelawny:
Today's lesson involves staring at a blurry cloud of nothingness! |
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Hermione:
Rip-off... |
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Trelawny:
People skills? Where? I don't see any... |
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Hermione:
Well, obviously. *HUFFHUFF* |
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Harry:
Guess I'll go put this back...waitaminute, I didn't ask for the psycho
killer channel! |
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Trelawny:
The reverb is taking over...*COUGH* Stupid laryngitis. |
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Harry:
Well, this is a terrific note to move into the rising action with... |
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~ HP ~
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Malfoy:
Weee, let's watch the bird-horse run around after his head gets cut off. |
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Hermione:
With the power of my superior brain I SMITE thee! |
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Malfoy:
WHIMPERSNIVELCRY |
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Hermione:
...Or brute force works just as well. |
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Ron:
I can die happy now. |
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Malfoy:
I'm telling the yard lady! |
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Ron:
Only Hagrid could grow pumpkins big enough to be coaches. |
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Hagrid:
Once again, I am the subject of so much abuse. And here's your unexpected
villain back. |
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Ron:
What, are you also breeding exploding jars? |
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Harry:
*THWACK* There goes 30 more brain cells... |
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Hermione:
Hooray for back doors. |
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Dumbledore:
I'm here to provide extended distraction. Look, another kamikaze bluebird! |
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Hermione:
Argh, I keep getting causal loop flashes. |
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Harry:
Quick, let's get away so we can't see what actually happens! |
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Scabbers:
Sweet lady freedom, here I come! |
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Ron:
Come back, you still need to be neutered! |
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Hermione:
Crap, I knew those whacked bluebirds were foreshadowing something. |
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Black
Dog:
I still want that biscuit! *CHARGE* |
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Ron:
Mom will kill me if I get a hole in these paaa.... |
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Whomping
Willow:
You again?! Die, moving thing! |
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Hermione:
Oh, I didn't really need
those ribs... |
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Harry:
Wow, secret passageways...not like I haven't seen those before. |
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~ HP ~
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Ron:
Stop my life from flashing before my eyes! |
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Sirius:
Why did I have to wait around for Harry to get here before killing the
rat? |
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Harry:
...Ew. Think maybe you can take a shower before I strangle you? |
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Lupin:
Hey, it's ol' Dog-Breath! *HUGE HUGS* |
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Sirius/Lupin
Shippers:
OMGNOSEBLEED DEATHBYHAPPINESS |
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Hermione:
*GASP* And all this time you seemed so darn straight!... |
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Harry:
Actually...Nonotreally. |
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Sirius:
Can we get to the murdering part already? |
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Snape:
I am Snape, the Potions Mahster. I must stop him. |
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Harry:
Yay, an excuse to assault authority! |
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Lupin:
...As cool as that was, you're so busted. |
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Sirius:
Still waiting for the murdering... |
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Scabbers:
Whoops, just realized I left the wheel running. Toodles! |
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Peter
Pettigrew:
*POIT!* |
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Hermione:
Hey, didn't you take pictures in 'The Last Samurai'? |
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Peter:
If you thought Malfoy's sniveling was bad, listen to this. |
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Ron:
Suddenly I feel so dirty. |
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Harry:
Instead of instant death, I think lifelong torture would be better. |
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Sirius:
Now that's using your noggin'! |
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~ HP ~
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Harry:
Now that you're no longer trying to murder me, you sound like a really
cool guy. |
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Sirius:
Ooh, can we play fetch? |
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Harry:
I've always wanted a dog! That didn't hate me! |
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Lupin:
Oh crap, I forgot to take my pills. *TRANSFORM* |
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Sirius:
Noo! You can't go wolf until we make out first! |
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Lupin:
I'm a Mexican hairless werewolf! |
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Snape:
I'll act heroic if it's the last thing I do! *THWACKED* |
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Sirius:
Dogfight! |
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Hermione:
My money's on the tall one. |
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Harry:
Wait, come back! You need to cover my rent! |
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Lupin:
Hark, I'm off to go fight Dracula! |
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Harry:
Crap, Sirius's bleeding. Doesn't that make him a werewolf now? |
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Dementor:
Mmm, fresh-squeezed soul. |
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Patronus:
You cannot withstand the power of COSMIC BAMBI! |
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Dementor:
Fine, guess we'll go hunt some hobbits. |
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Harry:
I've lost count of how many times I've blacked out now... |
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~ HP ~
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Dumbledore:
Well, this ending is way too depressing for a PG movie. I suggest you do
something about it. |
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Hermione:
Ah, the perks of being a teacher's pet are great indeed. |
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Harry:
Why do I have he sudden urge to drive a Delorien? |
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Hermione:
Yay, I get to watch myself be cool again! |
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Harry:
I knew all
those blackouts were going to mess with my head one day... |
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Hermione:
Oh yeah, and this is also the part where I chuck rocks at your head. |
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Harry:
What is this, backshadowing? |
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Buckbeak:
Oh cool, more food. *MUNCHYCRUNCHY* |
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Executioner:
If I can't kill the hippogriff, I can at least kill this pumpkin! *CHOP* |
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Hermione:
Since the exciting stuff has already happened, we get to sit around and
talk awkwardly. |
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Harry:
...So. How 'bout those freaky visions of deceased parents? |
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Lupin:
Crazy Dogfight Part 2! |
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Harry:
Ooh, that part was cool. Can we rewind and watch it again? |
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Hermione:
Uh oh, more backshadowing instances. AWOOOOO... |
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Harry:
You never told me you had a furry complex! |
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Buckbeak:
Shoo, wolfie! Go eat some chocolate! |
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Harry:
And dangitall, there I am getting tortured to death again. |
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Past
Harry:
A little help here... |
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Harry:
The complexity of causal loops gives me strength! *FWOOSH* |
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Hermione:
This is why I watch Quidditch from the ground! |
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Sirius:
Busted out of jail twice...at least this time it's by a cute girl. |
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Buckbeak:
Let's go be fugitives together! |
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Sirius:
Then you can help me look for the man with the prosthetic arm...I mean,
bye Harry! |
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Harry:
Drive safe! Don't fall into any mysterious veiled dimensions! |
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Hermione:
So do we get brownie points for successfully manipulating the time-space continuum? |
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Dumbledore:
*Plays Innocent* |
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Ron:
GAHH, my nerves can't take much more of this... |
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~ HP ~
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Lupin:
As they say in Britain, those responsible for sacking the people who have
just been sacked, have been sacked. |
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Harry:
I guess chocolate can't get you out of this mess. |
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Lupin:
I bet you 53 ferrets this racial discrimination bit comes up again in later
films. |
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Harry:
Hey, I get to keep the plothole-inducing Marauder's Map! What could possibly
be cooler? |
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Ron:
A new broomstick from your ex-convict godfather? |
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Harry:
I fly corrected! FWOOSH |
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Fans:
Dude, these are the awesomest credits ever. |
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