The Hand Puppet Movie Theatre Presents Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban Sudden
Urge to Drive a DeLorien |
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| Harry: Here I am, playing with my wand under the covers...nope, nooo sexual innuendo here. |
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| Uncle
Vernon: At least this constant running up and down stairs is burning calories. |
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| Aunt
Marge: Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse than the Dursleys... |
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| Aunt
Petunia: Wow, even I find her irritating. |
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| Aunt
Marge: Shut up and do dishes while I insult your parents! |
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| Harry: Ha, can't do dishes if I break them all. |
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| Aunt
Marge: Y tu Mama tambien! |
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| Aunt
Marge: *EXPLODE* |
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| Aunt
Petunia: Coincidentally, why did we leave the door open? |
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| Dudley: Bye Auntie Balloonface...oh look, television! |
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~ HP ~
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| Harry: Screw having a roof over my head; I'm outta here. |
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| Uncle
Vernon: ...I think I'm going to suffocate on teenage angst. |
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| Harry: Wow...suddenly swingsets are really creepy... |
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| Black
Dog: Can I have a biscuit? |
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| Knight
Bus: *ILLEGALLY PARKED* |
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| Conductor: I'll give you a lift if you give me some Zit-Be-Gone. |
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| Shrunken
Head: Running humorous commentary provided by your friendly neighborhood racial profiling example! |
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| Harry: Dude, tell your newspaper to stop screaming at me. |
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| Conductor: FEAR the foreshadowing! And whenever the driver runs red lights. |
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~ HP ~
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| Harry: Wow, my own personal Igor. |
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| Cornelius
Fudge: Actually, he's mine. Be glad you just got off with a slap on the wrist. |
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| Harry: What's this about impending danger? |
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| Cornelius
Fudge: Ohhh, nothing. Just a little governmental cover-up. |
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| Ron & Hermione: BICKERBANTERARGUE |
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| Harry: Yay, I'm no longer surrounded by creepy adults! |
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| Mrs.
Weasley: *HUGSANDKISSES* |
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| Harry: ...I stand corrected. |
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| Mr.
Weasley: Surprise, you're in terrible, life-threatening peril! |
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| Harry: What, again? |
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~ HP ~
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| Mrs.
Weasley: Ron, don't forget to bring the unexpected villain! |
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| Harry: Alright, time for some quick exposition. |
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| Ron: Why do I have the feeling I should start practicing my scared squeaky voice now? |
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| Train: *SUB-ZERO* |
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| Dementor: Excuse me, but we need to stamp your ticket. |
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| Harry: Arrgh, my face is caught in motion blur! |
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| Lupin: Psh, I don't even need to say 'Patronus' to make one. |
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| Harry: So what was that? |
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| Lupin: Part flukeman, part ringwraith...but we call them Dementors. |
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| Harry: Depression + hangover = really not good. |
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| Lupin: Chocolate fixes everything. |
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~ HP ~
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| Thestrals: Lalala, pulling the carriages...oh wait, you don't see us until book 5. Um...we're not here. |
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| Toads: It's the amazing singing toad chorus! |
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| Dumbledore: Now that I've gone hippie on you all, it's time for traditional introductions and warnings of imminent death. |
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| Malfoy: Huzzah, I've suddenly tripled in bishiness! |
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| Dumbledore: And the moral of this story is: buy nightlights. |
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| Ron: Ever get whiplash just from walking upstairs? |
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| Fat
Lady: It's not over until I sing! |
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| Harry: Speaking of singing...animal crackers in my soup... |
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| Fans: Since when is a train an animal? |
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~ HP ~
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| Trelawny: All this incense has made me loopy! Woooheefiggledeeblaaa... |
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| Hermione: Does your inner eye need gargantu-focals, too? |
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| Ron: GAHH, that foreshadowing caught me off-guard! |
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| Trelawny: AHH, there's a dog hair...I mean dog in your cup! |
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| Harry: Actually, if you turn it sideways it kinda looks like Eisenhower... |
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~ HP ~
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| Hermione: I'm only irritable because I'm double-majoring! |
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| Hagrid: Yay, big scary monsters that can take off your limbs! Aren't you all excited? |
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| Ron: ...Wait, you weren't talking about the textbook? |
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| Buckbeak: Diminishing the ferret population since 1992! |
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| Harry: Dang, I hate involuntary volunteering. |
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| Buckbeak: Hmm, you smell like the protagonist...okay, me likes. |
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| Hagrid: Riding bareback is the best way to learn! |
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| Harry: I can flyyyy like an eagle... |
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| Buckbeak: You mean hippogriff. And that's 53 ferrets for a round trip. |
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| Harry: But I never got my peanuts and soda... |
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| Malfoy: I wanna fly with the inspirational score, too! |
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| Buckbeak: I dropkick you, racial supremacist foo'! |
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| Malfoy: Now switching to crybaby mode... |
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~ HP ~
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| Lupin: Lesson One: swing music makes everything cool. |
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| Fans: Even that extremely un-bishy mustache of yours? |
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| Lupin: ...Well, almost everything. |
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| Snape!Boggart: Does this dress make me look fat? |
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| Harry: I don't see how a clown is any less scary than a snake. |
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| Dementor!Boggart: Fear my, um...fake scariness! |
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| Lupin: Hold up, this scene needs a bit more foreshadowing. |
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| Moon!Boggart: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie... |
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| Harry: Curse the infernal unsigned permission slip! |
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| McGonagall: Hey, at least you don't have to write through three sheets... |
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| Lupin: It's okay, I forgot to get mine signed, too. |
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| Harry: You're pretty cool, at least for someone who isn't a fangirl-pleaser. |
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| Lupin: You had cool parents. They gave me chocolate. |
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~ HP ~
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| Snape: In my opinion, defense against the dark arts should be taught in the dark. |
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| Hermione: What, the honorable Severus Snape is reduced to slide projectors? |
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| Snape: It's homework and implanting distrust rolled into one! Man, I love this job. |
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| Malfoy: What's even cooler is origami and flipbooks in one. |
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| Fans: ...Anyone else suddenly disturbed that Malfoy has an interest in Japanese paper folding? |
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| Ron: It's hardcore British sports fandom at its best! |
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| Harry: Not that we get to see any of it. |
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| Golden
Snitch: Follow me to the land of foreshadowing! |
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| Black
Dog: Have you hugged your ill omen today? |
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| Dementor: Give a kiss to Auntie Dementy! |
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| Harry: Horrendously bad breath...losing consciousness... *PLUMMET* |
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| Hermione: Something tells me the director really likes blackouts. |
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~ HP ~
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| Ron: As if losing a Quidditch match isn't shock enough, your broom went firewood on our butts. |
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| Harry: ...My life is over. |
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| Lupin: Sucks to be your broom. And me, but you don't know that yet. |
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| Harry: ANGSTWHINEWONDERANGST |
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| Lupin: I can smell the hormones boiling from here. |
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| Harry: Uh oh, it looks like somebody couldn't take anymore of the Photoshop-filter paintings! |
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| Fat
Lady: Sirius Black said my singing sucked! |
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| Dumbledore: So why are you hiding behind the hippo? |
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| Fat
Lady: Because I just got out of the shower! |
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~ HP ~
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| Harry: Psh, why didn't I try this invisibility cloak trick when it wasn't snowing? |
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| Fred/George: We're so humorously mischevious, we make people laugh just by finishing each others' sentences! |
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| Harry: Sweet! But who're these four guys that made the map? |
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| Fred/George: Umm, off to Hogsmeade with you! |
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| Fans: Dammit, that was the exposition we actually wanted! |
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| Harry: Oh hey, free lollipop. *YOINK* |
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| Hermione: Talk about your fixer-upper. |
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| Ron: Yeah...wait, what's that supposed to mean? |
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| Malfoy: My family's so rich that we buy one-ended Q-tips. Nyeah. |
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| Harry: Sneak attack! |
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| Malfoy: Ahh, my dignity! Run away! |
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| Hermione: Thanks for, er...saving us. Weirdo. |
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| Harry: Somebody mentioned by name! Urge to act recklessly...rising... |
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| Madame
Rosemerta: I guess nobody expects the Spanish inquisition. |
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| Cornelius
Fudge: What's with all this exposition? |
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| McGonagall: It's just an unfortunate side effect with novels-turned-movies. Blahblah Siriustraitor blah Pettigrewdead blahyak IsThisPissingYouOffHarry? |
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| Harry: Dang it all, why won't my world stop shattering? |
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| Hermione: I sense feelings of agression. |
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| Harry: Gimmie back my blankie. |
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~ HP ~
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| Lupin: As you can see, they had a discount on floating gold balls and spinal chord candles at Costco. |
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| Harry: And chocolate too, I suppose? |
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| Lupin: Think of the happiest thiiiiiings...it's the same as having wiiiiiings... |
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| Harry: If only the floor would stop being so darn hard... |
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| Lupin: Wow, success on your second try. If I didn't know better, that'd look like foreshadowing to me. |
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| Ron: Your stupid cat ate the unexpected villain again! |
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| Hermione: Why do I have the feeling the shippers are turning this into fanfic fodder? |
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| Hagrid: Watch how far I can chuck this big ugly rock. I named it Cornelius Fudge. |
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| Hermione: The animal rights activist in me is screaming bloody murder. |
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~ HP ~
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| Ron: Ahh, the spiders...they make me say funny things in my sleep... |
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| Harry: " Peter Pettigrew?" What's this, a walking typo? |
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| Scabbers: Actually, a scampering typo. Neener neener, can't catch me! |
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| Harry: I feel like I'm using an ancient copy of Windows Me. |
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| Snape: In that case, allow me to kill it for you. |
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| Marauder's
Map: You suck, pansypants! |
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| Lupin: Wow, this brings back memories...I mean, step into my office, young man! |
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| Harry: So do I get more chocolate? |
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| Lupin: No, you get a chewing-out. Don't do stupid things already! |
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| Harry: Whatever. And your dumb Thomas guide is busted. |
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| Lupin: ...Methinks I am alarmed. |
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~ HP ~
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| Trelawny: Today's lesson involves staring at a blurry cloud of nothingness! |
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| Hermione: Rip-off... |
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| Trelawny: People skills? Where? I don't see any... |
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| Hermione: Well, obviously. *HUFFHUFF* |
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| Harry: Guess I'll go put this back...waitaminute, I didn't ask for the psycho killer channel! |
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| Trelawny: The reverb is taking over...*COUGH* Stupid laryngitis. |
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| Harry: Well, this is a terrific note to move into the rising action with... |
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~ HP ~
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| Malfoy: Weee, let's watch the bird-horse run around after his head gets cut off. |
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| Hermione: With the power of my superior brain I SMITE thee! |
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| Malfoy: WHIMPERSNIVELCRY |
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| Hermione: ...Or brute force works just as well. |
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| Ron: I can die happy now. |
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| Malfoy: I'm telling the yard lady! |
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| Ron: Only Hagrid could grow pumpkins big enough to be coaches. |
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| Hagrid: Once again, I am the subject of so much abuse. And here's your unexpected villain back. |
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| Ron: What, are you also breeding exploding jars? |
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| Harry: *THWACK* There goes 30 more brain cells... |
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| Hermione: Hooray for back doors. |
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| Dumbledore: I'm here to provide extended distraction. Look, another kamikaze bluebird! |
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| Hermione: Argh, I keep getting causal loop flashes. |
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| Harry: Quick, let's get away so we can't see what actually happens! |
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| Scabbers: Sweet lady freedom, here I come! |
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| Ron: Come back, you still need to be neutered! |
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| Hermione: Crap, I knew those whacked bluebirds were foreshadowing something. |
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| Black
Dog: I still want that biscuit! *CHARGE* |
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| Ron: Mom will kill me if I get a hole in these paaa.... |
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| Whomping
Willow: You again?! Die, moving thing! |
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| Hermione: Oh, I didn't really need those ribs... |
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| Harry: Wow, secret passageways...not like I haven't seen those before. |
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~ HP ~
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| Ron: Stop my life from flashing before my eyes! |
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| Sirius: Why did I have to wait around for Harry to get here before killing the rat? |
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| Harry: ...Ew. Think maybe you can take a shower before I strangle you? |
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| Lupin: Hey, it's ol' Dog-Breath! *HUGE HUGS* |
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| Sirius/Lupin
Shippers: OMGNOSEBLEED DEATHBYHAPPINESS |
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| Hermione: *GASP* And all this time you seemed so darn straight!... |
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| Harry: Actually...Nonotreally. |
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| Sirius: Can we get to the murdering part already? |
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| Snape: I am Snape, the Potions Mahster. I must stop him. |
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| Harry: Yay, an excuse to assault authority! |
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| Lupin: ...As cool as that was, you're so busted. |
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| Sirius: Still waiting for the murdering... |
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| Scabbers: Whoops, just realized I left the wheel running. Toodles! |
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| Peter
Pettigrew: *POIT!* |
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| Hermione: Hey, didn't you take pictures in 'The Last Samurai'? |
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| Peter: If you thought Malfoy's sniveling was bad, listen to this. |
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| Ron: Suddenly I feel so dirty. |
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| Harry: Instead of instant death, I think lifelong torture would be better. |
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| Sirius: Now that's using your noggin'! |
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~ HP ~
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| Harry: Now that you're no longer trying to murder me, you sound like a really cool guy. |
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| Sirius: Ooh, can we play fetch? |
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| Harry: I've always wanted a dog! That didn't hate me! |
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| Lupin: Oh crap, I forgot to take my pills. *TRANSFORM* |
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| Sirius: Noo! You can't go wolf until we make out first! |
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| Lupin: I'm a Mexican hairless werewolf! |
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| Snape: I'll act heroic if it's the last thing I do! *THWACKED* |
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| Sirius: Dogfight! |
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| Hermione: My money's on the tall one. |
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| Harry: Wait, come back! You need to cover my rent! |
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| Lupin: Hark, I'm off to go fight Dracula! |
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| Harry: Crap, Sirius's bleeding. Doesn't that make him a werewolf now? |
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| Dementor: Mmm, fresh-squeezed soul. |
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| Patronus: You cannot withstand the power of COSMIC BAMBI! |
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| Dementor: Fine, guess we'll go hunt some hobbits. |
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| Harry: I've lost count of how many times I've blacked out now... |
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~ HP ~
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| Dumbledore: Well, this ending is way too depressing for a PG movie. I suggest you do something about it. |
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| Hermione: Ah, the perks of being a teacher's pet are great indeed. |
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| Harry: Why do I have he sudden urge to drive a Delorien? |
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| Hermione: Yay, I get to watch myself be cool again! |
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| Harry: I knew all those blackouts were going to mess with my head one day... |
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| Hermione: Oh yeah, and this is also the part where I chuck rocks at your head. |
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| Harry: What is this, backshadowing? |
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| Buckbeak: Oh cool, more food. *MUNCHYCRUNCHY* |
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| Executioner: If I can't kill the hippogriff, I can at least kill this pumpkin! *CHOP* |
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| Hermione: Since the exciting stuff has already happened, we get to sit around and talk awkwardly. |
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| Harry: ...So. How 'bout those freaky visions of deceased parents? |
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| Lupin: Crazy Dogfight Part 2! |
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| Harry: Ooh, that part was cool. Can we rewind and watch it again? |
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| Hermione: Uh oh, more backshadowing instances. AWOOOOO... |
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| Harry: You never told me you had a furry complex! |
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| Buckbeak: Shoo, wolfie! Go eat some chocolate! |
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| Harry: And dangitall, there I am getting tortured to death again. |
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| Past
Harry: A little help here... |
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| Harry: The complexity of causal loops gives me strength! *FWOOSH* |
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| Hermione: This is why I watch Quidditch from the ground! |
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| Sirius: Busted out of jail twice...at least this time it's by a cute girl. |
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| Buckbeak: Let's go be fugitives together! |
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| Sirius: Then you can help me look for the man with the prosthetic arm...I mean, bye Harry! |
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| Harry: Drive safe! Don't fall into any mysterious veiled dimensions! |
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| Hermione: So do we get brownie points for successfully manipulating the time-space continuum? |
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| Dumbledore: *Plays Innocent* |
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| Ron: GAHH, my nerves can't take much more of this... |
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~ HP ~
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| Lupin: As they say in Britain, those responsible for sacking the people who have just been sacked, have been sacked. |
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| Harry: I guess chocolate can't get you out of this mess. |
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| Lupin: I bet you 53 ferrets this racial discrimination bit comes up again in later films. |
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| Harry: Hey, I get to keep the plothole-inducing Marauder's Map! What could possibly be cooler? |
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| Ron: A new broomstick from your ex-convict godfather? |
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| Harry: I fly corrected! FWOOSH |
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| Fans: Dude, these are the awesomest credits ever. |
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