The Hand Puppet Movie Theatre Presents

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

"Abducted by Octopus Munchkins"
By AG

Snake:

Never mind all this scenery foreshadowing, follow me to the beginning victim!

Caretaker:

I don't know why I'm guarding this abandoned house, but darned if I'm going to let some cultists take advantage of it!

Wormtail:

I'm the more snively servant!

Crouch Jr.:

No, I'm the more snively servant!

Voldemort:

Whoever's more sniveling gets to pick up the body. *FRRZAP*

Harry:

Ugh, I don't even want to know what Freud would make of this.

Hermione:

Today the part of Molly Weasley will be played by me.

Ron:

Never thought that my devotion to my favorite sport and my sleeping habits would hate each other so much.

Amos:

Hello there, Weasley clan! This strapping young heartthrob here somehow sprang from my loins.

Cedric:

Mr. Weasley:

Let's all hitch a ride on the amazing teleporting shoe!

Fred & George:

We're just here to steal every scene we inhabit.

Malfoy:

Ha-ha, you white trash wizards are stuck with the nosebleed seats.

Lucius:

Hush Draco, I'm the one who's going to be delivering the thinly-veiled death threats around here.

Fred & George:

Any country with as much red hair as our family is automatically awesome!

Krum:

I'm like the Kobe Bryant of the wizarding world...except without all the lawsuits.

Fans:

Wait a second...that's it? Where'd the rest of the World Cup go?

Mr. Weasley:

No time for frivolities, we've got a panicked mob to join!

Harry:

Yeah, this would've been real fun if not for getting kicked in the head.

Crouch Jr.:

Now these are my kind of fireworks!

Harry:

Crouch Sr.:

Violence, mayhem and chaos...it must be the fault of youth!

Hermione:

That ugly tattoo in the sky means Death Eaters, and Death Eaters mean bad news, so let's skedoodle.

Hermione:

We're doomed. And I'm not even exaggerating like the press is.

Cho Chang:

I'm here to mess with your hormones!

Harry:

Guh-huh...purdy girl...

Hermione:

Hedwig:

I feel like all I'm good for is scene transitions.

Hagrid:

Please remain seated until the pegasi come to a complete stop.

Dumbledore:

Just so y'all know, you're going to have even more crowded bathrooms this year.

Fleur:

*SHINYBUTTERFLIESFLOWERS*

Krum:

*DOOMFIREBALLSHARDASS*

Dumbledore:

Also, there will be an exciting contest that is not an excuse to off students in the name of sport, really.

Maxine:

And Hagrid and I foreshadow love (and painful jokes at the expense of others) in the air!

Dumbledore:

And now, I unveil to you: the Chalice from the Palace! ...I mean the Goblet of Fire.

Crouch Sr.:

Your friendly neighborhood school board would like you to know what we've upped the drinking age for the Goblet of Fire.

Students:

Screw that!

Dumbledore:

Heh, be careful what you wish for.

Moody:

Arrr, mateys, I be your new defense against the dark arts teacher.

Students:

.....

Moody:

First order of business: attack the chalkboard. Arrr!

Students:

.....

Moody:

Next, we torment mutant spiders in front o' Neville Longbottom!

Neville:

I blame this newfound angst on my increased cuteness.

Hermione:

If I can't complain about mistreated house elves, I can at least complain about mistreated mutant spiders!

Moody:

Arr, Neville, let me make it up to ye with tea and foreshadowing.

Cedric:

Hufflepuff pride, yo.

Fred:

We've stolen the show again! ...Although what would we do, complete each task together?

George:

Now look, you've gone and turned us into Einstein twins!

Hermione:

Ugh. Children.

Krum:

Hmm, disdain of nearly everyone else around her. I like this girl!

Dumbledore:

Now that we've all seen the important characters put their names in the goblet, it's time to pull them back out!

Goblet of Fire:

Cedric, Fleur and Krum: A WINNER IS YOU.

Dumbledore:

And whoever doesn't die gets this shiny trophy!

Fans:

What about the huge cash prize? *grumble*

Snape:

Um, someone left the goblet on.

Goblet of Fire:

Oh yeah, and Harry wins, too. WE'RE ALL WINNERS.

Harry:

Could sure use a hole in the floor to drop into right now.

Ron:

*DEATH GLARE*

Dumbledore:

HARRYHOWCOULDYOUWE'REDOOMEDDOOOOOMED!

Harry:

Ah, sir, I think you've stolen my Capslock of Rage.

Crouch Sr.:

Harry must compete for reasons I don't feel like explaining!

McGonagall:

I think this is a stupid idea.

Snape:

And I have absolutely nothing against Harry being horribly dismembered.

Dumbledore:

If you need me, I'll be fishing for brain string.

Ron:

Gee, thanks for reducing me to bumbling sidekick status yet again.

Harry:

That was totally not my fault.

Ron:

Liarpants!

Harry:

Stupidface!

Rita Skeeter:

Even in the wizarding world the press can make your life a living hell!

Fleur:

...Can someone please make this woman stop speaking in purple prose?

Rita:

Well Harry, let's just come into this closet for our secret interrogation -I mean interview.

Harry:

You're just making this up as you go, aren't you?

Rita:

Ha-ha, those moviegoers will never learn of my secret beetle identity.

Owl:

Hedwig's on paid vacation, sucker.

Harry:

Oh hey, a letter: "Dear Harry: The bastards wouldn't pay me to actually be in the movie, so I'll show up as some nifty CGI trick. Love, Sirius."

Owl:

Where're my owl treats, cheapskate?!

Harry:

Thank goodness the common room is conveniently empty.

Sirius:

Ta-daa! Ooh, my face is made of coals.

Harry:

How do I get out of this whole putting-myself-in-mortal-danger bit?

Sirius:

You don't! Also, you have enemies, and you might be killed.

Harry:

Uhh, yeah, already knew all that.

Sirius:

Great, now all the fangirls are going to make jokes about how I'm flaming.

Ron:

Spotlighthog!

Harry:

Whineymouth!

Neville:

Do you keep hanging out with me because of some kind of foreshadowy reason?

Harry:

Actually, I'm just shocked that you're taller than all of us now.

Hermione:

Communication becomes such a pain when boys are being snotheads. Can't we all just get along?

Hagrid:

Lookit all the likkle cutesy dragons!

Harry:

I'm not sure which is more disturbing: the fact that I'm going to be roasted alive, or Hagrid being lovey-dovey with his own species.

Harry:

My shoulders are gonna be sore before all this is done.

Cedric:

Not my idea, dude, honest.

Harry:

Just so you know, we're gonna have to go St. George on this First Task.

Malfoy:

No movie's complete without me making a bad situation worse!

Harry:

Yeah well, my dad's more heroic than your dad.

Moody:

And now the moment you've all been waiting for: the Amazing Bouncing Ferret, aye!

Goyle:

Ahh, Malfoy's in my pants! ...Wait, no, not like that!

McGonagall:

Quit it, you're making the students like you!

Moody:

Arr, Harry, there be dragons in that there First Task.

Harry:

What do you want me to do, dress in drag and do the hula?

Moody:

Or ye could just out-fly it.

Harry:

Whoever said public speaking was the most terrifying part of a class never went to wizarding school.

Hermione:

Please don't die! *GLOMPATTACK*

Rita:

Bwa-ha, this'll make the internet interesting!

Dumbledore:

Yeah, whatever. It's time to get to the action sequence!

Fleur:

Oh sure, give the nicest dragon to the girl.

Harry:

And the nastiest one to the hero.

Dumbledore:

Better yet, you get to go last. Have fun waiting around until you're so tense with nervousness you snap like a twig!

Harry:

I'm getting a little sick and tired of all these 'Gladiator' nods.

Dragon:

DRAGON SMASH!

Harry:

Accio Escapebarbecuestatusius!

Dragon:

DRAGON CHASE!

Harry:

I'm going to sue whoever manufactured those stupid chains.

Dragon:

DRAGON ROOFCLIMB!

Harry:

Flying through the bridge is so crazy, it just might work!

Dragon:

DRAGON *SPLUT*

Harry:

I found the Golden Ticket -I mean Egg!

Harry:

At last, people are not blaming me for being alive!

Golden Egg:

*OMGFANGIRLSCREAM*

Gryffindors:

...Never mind, dude, your egg sucks.

Ron:

Hey, I'm sorry we fought for all of ten minutes.

Harry:

Me too. *MAKE UP*

Fans:

Woah, that was fast.

Hermione:

Arrgh! Stupid press! This must be the first time I've ever wanted to burn the written word.

Ron:

Funny, I want to light my present on fire, too.

McGonagall:

Surprise, you all get last-minute dancing lessons!

Ron:

Can't you at least let us sort out our hormones first?

Harry:

Suddenly I feel that I am the brunt of so many teenager jokes.

Ron:

If we don't get dates to the formal, we'll be the laughingstock of the school for reasons we don't fully understand!

Hermione:

You realized this a little late, idiots.

Snape:

Damned if there's going to be any cutesy romantic moments in MY class! *WRISTPWNED*

Harry:

Hey, Cho! Would you care to save me from some of the more psychotic shippers, even though they won't care anyway?

Cho:

...Um, taken?

Harry:

DANGIT.

Ron:

Mission to ask out most beautiful girl in this cast: ABORTED.

Harry:

There's no hope for us now!

Parvati:

Isn't one of us supposed to be in Ravenclaw?

Padme:

Who cares, we get to go out with the protagonists!

Ron:

Stupid friggin' ugly dress robes making me into the stupid friggin' comic relief...

Harry:

So where's Hermione?

Hermione:

*SHINYSPARKLEPINK*

Harry:

Is this the face that launched a thousand shipping wanks?

Krum:

So Hermione, how does it feel to be the beautiful date of the M.V.P.?

Hermione:

...Like the director suddenly transferred me to House Sparklypoo.

McGonagall:

Embarass my house in this dance and I'll flunk you all!

Students:

Forget fairy dances, let's RAAAAAAVE.

Harry:

Ugh, I'm all raved out.

Parvati:

Well, these protagonists have been a huge disappointment.

Hermione:

I'll say! I try to throw out hints, and you two ruin all my adolescent dreams! GAHH *RANTRAVETHROWSHOE* STUPID MEN!

Harry and Ron:

Run away! Run away!

Voldemort:

Finally, we get back to the most important person in this movie: me.

Harry:

I keep getting the sense that the foreshadowing is conspiring against me.

Hermione:

Hey, that egg puzzle is almost due! Get with it!

Cedric:

I know the answer! You get the thing. In the place. The guy. That one time. You know.

Harry:

Cedric, you suck at being discreet.

Harry:

So this is where all my Mr. Bubble went.

Myrtle:

Weee, I get to see Harry nekkid!

Golden Egg:

Darling it's better, down where it's wetter, take it from meee...

Myrtle:

Oooh, you're sooo smart! *GIGGLETWITTER*

Harry:

Help me, I'm being molested by a plumbing poltergeist.

Hermione:

I refuse to believe that the library cannot solve this problem!

Neville:

At last, my obscene knowledge of plantlife becomes useful!

Harry:

So these slimy gummi worms will somehow help me breathe underwater?

Dumbledore:

You're about to find out! Dive, dive, dive!

Harry:

Lookit me, I'm faster than liiiiight-ning...

Fleur:

Help, I've been abducted by octopus munchkins!

Ron:

*BURBLE*

Mermaid:

Heh-heh, you never know when some lunatic is going to come along and offer you the sadistic choice.

Krum:

Dude, chill, I've got Hermione covered.

Harry:

But I'm still going to save two anyway!

Octopus Munchkin:

Come swim with us, precious!

Harry:

I think I'd rather go up-up-and-awaaaa*KERSPLUT*

Fleur:

You saved my sister! Kisses all around! *SMOOCHY*

Ron:

...Okay, I officially love this tournament.

Crouch Sr.:

Good job with the not dying, Harry! It makes for great P.R.

Moody:

Aye, good job, slirp...uh, I mean arrr.

Crouch Sr.:

*MILDLY UNSETTLED*

Hagrid:

Woohoo, time for very un-school-sanctioned partying in the woods!

Harry:

Not now, I'm dowsing for dead bodies.

Crouch Sr.:

*MILDLY UNALIVE*

McGonagall:

Dead government officials on campus will make next month's P.T.A. meeting very difficult.

Harry:

Should I come back later?

Dumbledore:

No, we'll just move our argument into the hall so that you are alone to conveniently bump into something important.

Harry:

Stupid living candy...oh whoops, I've conveniently bumped into something important.

Fans:

*Resist urge to make Inuyasha joke*

Dumbledore:

Nobody expects the wizarding inquisition! Now Crouch is going to go McCarthy on your ass.

Ivor:

Uhh...Snape's evil!

Crouch Sr.:

Duh, we've all read the sixth book.

Ivor:

And so's your son!

Crouch Jr.:

And I'd do it again, if I could! *COURTROOMDRAMASLIRP*

Harry:

Woah, I feel like I just fell into an episode of Law & Order: Special Hogwarts Unit.

Dumbledore:

Harry:

By the way, I've been having those prophetic dreams again.

Dumbledore:

I'm sure they're very important. Well, better go get yourself killed and/or maimed in the Final Task anyway.

Ivor:

...And as you can see, my tattoo is clearly superior craftsmanship compared to yours -I mean...

Snape:

If something's wrong, it's obviously your fault, Potter! *SLAM*

Harry:

Dumbledore:

You've all done marvelously battling monsters so far. But how are you at inner demons? Have fun!

Harry:

If I develop claustrophobia because of this, I'm suing.

Fleur:

I do believe in ghosts I do believe in ghosts I do I do I--

Krum:

BOO.

Fleur:

AAUGH!

Harry:

Oh crap, the tree is eating Fleur! Better save her butt again.

Krum:

Me want cookie! *INCAPACITATED*

Cedric:

Race ya to eternal glory! ...Wait, come back and help me first.

Harry:

I swear all this niceness is gonna come back and bite me in some ironic way.

Triwizard Cup:

PSYCH!

Harry:

This can't end well.

Wormtail:

Make fun of my fetus master, will you? I'll show you! *AVADA KTHXDIE*

Cedric:

*DEATHBYASSOCIATION*

Fans:

*SOB*

Voldemort:

Time for my beauty bath! *KERSPLOOP*

Wormtail:

And now for all the parts that got this movie a PG-13 rating!

Voldemort:

I liiiiive! ...Well, close enough. And Death Eaters, I am not impressed with your smoky entrance nor your KKK-inspired getups.

Lucius:

Praise me, I've totally kept my evil alter ego a secret.

Voldemort:

Oh yeah, sure, what with that blonde mane of yours sticking out from under that hood.

Wormtail:

Um, can I get my hand back now?

Harry:

And can I get the hell outta here now?

Voldemort:

Nope! First I taunt you, then I torture you, then we fight, then you die an agonizing death.

Harry:

Not if this sudden plot device spell has anything to say about it!

Lily:

Don't worry, son! We'll hold Voldemort back with our, uh, dead people power.

Cedric:

And dude, don't leave me here. I mean, I know it's a graveyard and that's convenient an' all, but still...

Harry:

*MIRACULOUSGETAWAY*

Voldemort:

Oh, balls.

Crowds:

YAAAYDEADBODIESWOOO

Fleur:

This suddenly became way inappropriate.

Harry:

Portkey! Graveyard! Killed! Voldemort! Weird spell! Traumatized!

Amos:

My trauma beats your trauma by parenting degree.

Moody:

Arrr, Harry, come away from all these witnesses –I mean onlookers.

Harry:

Uh professor, you can stop shoving your thumb into my wound and talking cryptically now.

Moody:

Dammit, I'm out of pumpkin juice, slirp! Oh well, nothing can stop me from killing you now except--

Dumbledore:

Me randomly charging in in the nick of time!

Snape:

At last, I get to shove some of my potions down someone's throat!

Moody:

Arrr slirp he's in the box.

Real Moody:

Clothes please.

Crouch Jr.

Apparently anybody with some dementor-bribing skills can get out of Azkaban these days!

Dumbledore:

Cedric was killed by Voldemort. However, the government would like you to think otherwise. So you can either listen to me, who controls your grades, or them, who control your parents' paychecks.

Dumbledore:

Oh, I almost forgot the moral: FRIENDS ARE IMPORTANT.

Harry:

Sir, my wand and Voldemort's went all wonky.

Dumbledore:

Ah yes, the dead-people-I'm-not-really-going-to-explain-spell. Things are going to get continuously darker from now on, so hold onto your angstfests.

Ron:

Holy cow, another movie under our belts! Hopefully I won't be cast as such a dolt next time.

Hermione:

Make sure you don't turn into a depressive hormonal git over the summer, Harry!

Hary:

I think maybe they tried too hard to end on an up note.